So, this is why I'm hesitant to talk about my beliefs.

So, I had a talk with the guy just now, and we discussed, or more he told me his views on his beliefs. I didn't want to tell him about mine, because I can see where it would go. He would tell me that I'm wrong, and it's this way. See, I know because I've been arguing this since ninth grade.

In ninth grade, I was good friends with a strong Christian by the name of Lily. And every friday, on the band bus to the football games, Lily and I would argue about Christian theology. At the time I had only studied a little witchcraft, not becoming a witch until a little over two years later, but I still disagreed on alot of Christian ideas. I was agnostic, a good period of time for me, in which I learned alot about myself and spirituality. I would attempt to discuss some of these views with Lily, and at every attempt I would be faced with, "No. It's like this."

Tenth grade was relatively argument free, but Eleventh Grade wasn't. I was sort of dating-hanging out with this one guy, who had troubles with his sexuality, and was a fervent believer that Armageddon was going to come soon. The talk that I had tonight was almost word for word the ideas that had come from this eleventh grade guy.

Earlier today as well, I was talking to sympathetic people about a spell I had been asked to cast for someone. I immediately was told why I shouldn't do this spell, and how I would go about doing it if I was going to. This personally ticked me off, because these people were christians and I don't like people interefering with my spellwork, and I definitely don't like people interefering with my spirituality.

And people wonder why I'm hesitant to talk about my beliefs.

It's been a long time.

I've taken to writing everything in my journal now, so I seldom post anything online, unless I feel like being a blogger again. Oh and being emo too.

Last night I got home around 11 and I decided to take a walk with Lu, but I didn't leave till around 11:30. It was really nice with the fog every where, not at all creepy. I felt safe. And I cried. Not the sobbing, gasping kind, and not the silent, tears streaming down my face. This was earnest and heart-felt. I had also cried earlier in the car while I was waiting for Billy, but I sorta made myself that time because I was singing Bare, although this has to do with why I cried in the fog.

I talked out loud, because when I'm stressed it helps me to sort things through. And no matter what, all I came back to was that I... can't.. "Let go, no, I can't let go of you. You're holding me back without even trying to." And I would fade into song when the quotations came. Right now, while trying to think of what to type it happened again. I just.. I can't.. "I can't let go, I can't move off of the past. Without lifting a finger you're holding me back."

And I wondered. Maybe I don't like anyone this year, because I'm still stuck. Maybe when I'll actually be able to voice this story outloud to someone, someone who should hear it, maybe then I'll be released. Maybe I just can't let go, and never will.



Thanks for listening to my emoness.