Kayla and Michelle hate me.

It all started with homecoming. I wanted to go with my two best friends, like we did last year. It was a blast, we had so much fun. But then Alejandro asked Michelle to go with him, which I was fine with. And then Morgan invited us into his group for homecoming, whereupon I learned that Tyler and Meghan from the Fab five were going to be there. Not fine.

Is it that bad for me not to want to be around people who hate me?

So, I pulled Kayla aside and tried to discuss our plan of action. Were we going to go with them and stick it though? No. I am not willing to do something I don't want to do. That may sound selfish, but they made me cry alot last year. I felt physically nauseous just talking about that fiasco. Kayla wasn't offering anything, so I said that maybe she could go alone with them and I meet up with her later, or not go at all. She stormed off and didn't say a word to me. She wouldn't tell me why. Apparently she thought it was rude, which is bullshit. I said it in an open, nice way. I wasn't forcing it upon her, and I was expecting her to think of something. So of course, she goes to Michelle, and they tell everyone how rude and mean I was, and Morgan constantly asks me if I'm alright, which I'm not, but I lie and say yes.

What the fuck?

So after consulting with Ms. Seney tonight, I decided to apoligize and let my feelings be known to Kayla. Which I did. When I asked if everything was okay, she said no, and totally made me feel like the bad guy. Which I'm not! I thought that my best friends would be able to understand that I don't want to be around bitches who hate me. Is that so wrong of me? I guess it is.

Come what may.

It's been a while. Rehearsal is grueling, but I think the finished product will be worth it. It's hard to find time to do me things, what with the show and work and all, but I'm managing.

I want someone. I want someone to hold me. But I know that high school will not be the time when I find him, so right now, I don't want anyone. I don't want romance, I don't want love, I don't want crushes, I don't want heartbreaks. So please don't talk to me about it.

I feel really dumb. I feel really dumb about alot of things. But that's what high school is for, to get these dumb mistakes out of the way before we enter the real world. Hopefully, heh.

Sometimes I find myself desperately wanting to smoke, and that scares me. I don't care about lung cancer, but I'm scared of being addicted, of losing myself to something silly.

I want to cry. I feel like crying. Not because I'm sad, I'm not. These past few weeks have been stressful.

I don't hate you, but you need to understand where I'm coming from. I don't understand most of the things you do. Normal people would stop after a while, but you keep trying. And it's flattering, but it's also weird.

I would appreciate it if you would stop flirting with me. I'm sorry I don't like you like that, but I've never particularly liked you all that much. I'm glad you've gotten much better this year, and I've actually started liking you as a friend. But that's it.

I hope we'll get to know each other and be friends, but I don't want to pursue anything for a long time. I know you'll understand, because you're cool like that.

And you. I apoligize. I don't know what came over me. I guess it was just the shock of actually liking someone who liked me back. I saw you twice over the summer, but I don't know if you ever saw me. I hope you've forgotten about me. I hope you've moved on. I will never forget you, but if that's good or bad, I don't know yet.

That's what I get, I guess, for living a magicked life.

Whatever.

Hello viewers. It's been a while.

Last time you tuned in I was waiting for the weekend. I had thought I would've been able to use this weekend to catch up on my school work and such. Little did we know, that I was to recieve no real time in order to complete any work.

The house is messy, I haven't done any homework, and I have little money in my bank account. I'm tired, and sore, and physically and mentally pooped out. I just ran around trying to get my mom's birthday stuff together, without any help from my brother. I had to use effing glue to wrap her present, because we don't have tape.

I'm ready for Dames at Sea to be over. I am just so tired of all the work we don't do, all the time we don't put to good use, and all the resources that don't get managed well, mainly time and human energy.

I was talking to Morgan today about last year's UIL, and it made me feel physically nauseous. Near the end of the show, I was feeling so disliked and unwanted and hated. I almost started crying in the shop.

I hate how stupid people can be. I hate how everyone says I'm really nice, but the only reason I'm nice is because I don't want to be one of those drama bitches. I hate feeling conflicted about telling people what to do, because I am not one of the veterans of theatre. I hate how I never know which way to spell theater.

I need to go to sleep, but I've got stuff to do.

Whatever.