What's wrong with people?

Do they enjoy hurting people that much? Or are they just that insecure? But what's so threatening about me? The only thing I can think of is that two of these people are insecure about their sexuality, but that's it. Maybe that's enough.

It's not just me. This group of people is rude to everyone. Even eachother. I can see the power struggles, favoritism, and the fawning over their leader. It bothers me so much. And the allies I thought I had aren't really allies. They're either in between or on the other side. I'm being over dramatic, but I cried near the end of rehearsal today. One girl verbally attacked me, and it was so sudden and rude. I never even talk to her, but she's a lackey. Plus the other three were just rude and immature and unfocused. I know it's silly to want everyone to be on my side[like there's sides anyway], but I can't help but feel all alone. The one person who is stronger then me in this is an alternate, and I wish so dearly that she was back there with us. I love her, and she helps me so much.

I'm considering quitting. If we advance, then I'll think about it, but if we don't advance, then things will probably get better. We'll see what happens tomorrow

Too Sensitive.

Someone told me that I take things too personally. Which is true, on occasion. But someone has been pretty rude to me for a while, and apparently she thinks I'm too sensitive. Which is kind of silly, because I can handle being called a fag by an asshole, but now I'm sensitive because my friend surreptiously tells me that she hates me? Excuse me, how do I have no backbone? This coming from the guy who can't even come out of the closet. There is teasing, and then there is rude, and some people need to learn that rudeness has no excuse. I learned that the hard way. I may tease, and I may cross the line, but at least I apoligize.

UIL is getting tense, Cy-Ridge is not being accomadating at all, and we had a fun rehearsal today. I have to vent online, because no one wants to hear my bitching, and I can't say anything that will disrupt UIL. It bothers me, but whatever. When I explode with frustration, someone else can clean up the mess.

I'm a girl. Sometimes.

I was just thinking about that today. Marcus was asking why girls feel so strongly about things, and I realized I'm like that. I feel strongly about love, and emotions, and feelings. Sometimes I feel like a girl in a guy's body, but I'm more then that. I'm my own creation. I'm not given over entirely to girlyness. Most people are surprised to find out that I'm gay. Some don't believe me. There's a part of me that could hold a girl, if I was forced to, but I'd much rather be held by a guy, if that makes sense. I could possibly be bi, but I like guys. Besides, pussies are kind of gross. And I hate when boobies rub up against me. I'd much rather have a daughter then a girlfriend. Maybe that's the part of me that wishes I was a girl. I think life might be easier that way, but I'm happy the way I am. A man. Plus I don't want to PMS.

Happy Ostara!

Today is the Spring Equinox. Today day and night are equal, unlike everyone's emotions. Staying cooped up today was a bad decision, it's best to get outside because Spring is here. Get outside, sit on the grass, take a walk. Let Nature fill you and calm you. I'm not particularly in love with Nature, but even if you don't plant a tree or plant to celebrate, it's good to get outside. Sit under the stars and meditate, or if that's not your bag, just sit and think. They're almost the same thing. I guarantee you'll feel better.

I got my licence today. School was bad, rehearsal was hot, but as soon as I got outside I cheered up. I took a long and emotional walk with Lu to celebrate Ostara. Someone had planted a tree, and the smell of fresh dirt seems like a good omen. I'm content.