Yay for a real American Thanksgiving.

Yep, it's that time again. Thanksgiving.

This year was definitely a special one. Like I said, it was our first real american one. We started fighting halfway through dinner. Ahah, it started stealthily, like a panther prowling through a star-lit jungle. Mom suggested a walk, to clear our tiredness, but Daniel was feeling kind of sick. So we went without him. The walk was non-eventful. However, the fighting really began when we got back. Ohoho.

I'm mainly just sick of hearing the same things over and over again. "Cy-fair is good for you, and it's cheap. We can pay for it with cash, it'll be good." Or "You're gonna have to walk next month. How many claims have you done? All you do is sit around and play computer. Oh Chrifu, you're such a good son." I'm not kidding about that last one. Apparently I'm much more caring then Daniel now, which is surprising, since he's always been the favored one. I have no doubt that the scales will soon tip in his favor again. It always does that, back and forth, back and forth. Daniel and I don't care. We know that our parents are crazy.

Anyways, I've just started tuning out things I don't care to hear. I find it makes life so much more pleasant.

Today was great. I had lots of positive energy throughout the day, rehearsal wasn't bad, I danced alot with Lynn before hand. I love dancing with her.

Pooped when I got home, but Kayla convinced me to come with to Wired to see Half Empty, and Callie one last time before she leaves. Although she may be back in two weeks. While I was at Wired, I realized that Coffee Houses have their own distinct, for lack of a better word, aura. Everything centrals around Starbucks(Home). Wired has an underground, water type of vibe; Java Juice is an airy candy shop; Java House(Original names people) is sort of earthy, very comfortable and feels kind of old. I haven't been to Java Jazz, but I'm guessing that might be somewhat firey. Notice my use of the four elements? Isn't that strange? Then Starbucks is home, and no where else can compare for me. Plus Starbucks in conjunction with Chipotle' is just a small slice of heaven. Thus, we have Coffee House Mysticism.

My astrology planner says I should throw a party, but I don't see that happening. But I have had lots of postive energy, unfortunately I don't see any 'love in the air'. Alex Keys says I need a relationship, and maybe I do. I'm happy that I have all you guys, but sometimes you feel a little alone. There's no one you can just hold on to, or kiss, or just be with. And I know I'll find someone, but I wish that someone would get here soon. Or at least send someone to take his place, if only for a little while. Send some love my way universe. Come on. I think I deserve it. Maybe.

Kayla and Michelle hate me.

It all started with homecoming. I wanted to go with my two best friends, like we did last year. It was a blast, we had so much fun. But then Alejandro asked Michelle to go with him, which I was fine with. And then Morgan invited us into his group for homecoming, whereupon I learned that Tyler and Meghan from the Fab five were going to be there. Not fine.

Is it that bad for me not to want to be around people who hate me?

So, I pulled Kayla aside and tried to discuss our plan of action. Were we going to go with them and stick it though? No. I am not willing to do something I don't want to do. That may sound selfish, but they made me cry alot last year. I felt physically nauseous just talking about that fiasco. Kayla wasn't offering anything, so I said that maybe she could go alone with them and I meet up with her later, or not go at all. She stormed off and didn't say a word to me. She wouldn't tell me why. Apparently she thought it was rude, which is bullshit. I said it in an open, nice way. I wasn't forcing it upon her, and I was expecting her to think of something. So of course, she goes to Michelle, and they tell everyone how rude and mean I was, and Morgan constantly asks me if I'm alright, which I'm not, but I lie and say yes.

What the fuck?

So after consulting with Ms. Seney tonight, I decided to apoligize and let my feelings be known to Kayla. Which I did. When I asked if everything was okay, she said no, and totally made me feel like the bad guy. Which I'm not! I thought that my best friends would be able to understand that I don't want to be around bitches who hate me. Is that so wrong of me? I guess it is.

Come what may.

It's been a while. Rehearsal is grueling, but I think the finished product will be worth it. It's hard to find time to do me things, what with the show and work and all, but I'm managing.

I want someone. I want someone to hold me. But I know that high school will not be the time when I find him, so right now, I don't want anyone. I don't want romance, I don't want love, I don't want crushes, I don't want heartbreaks. So please don't talk to me about it.

I feel really dumb. I feel really dumb about alot of things. But that's what high school is for, to get these dumb mistakes out of the way before we enter the real world. Hopefully, heh.

Sometimes I find myself desperately wanting to smoke, and that scares me. I don't care about lung cancer, but I'm scared of being addicted, of losing myself to something silly.

I want to cry. I feel like crying. Not because I'm sad, I'm not. These past few weeks have been stressful.

I don't hate you, but you need to understand where I'm coming from. I don't understand most of the things you do. Normal people would stop after a while, but you keep trying. And it's flattering, but it's also weird.

I would appreciate it if you would stop flirting with me. I'm sorry I don't like you like that, but I've never particularly liked you all that much. I'm glad you've gotten much better this year, and I've actually started liking you as a friend. But that's it.

I hope we'll get to know each other and be friends, but I don't want to pursue anything for a long time. I know you'll understand, because you're cool like that.

And you. I apoligize. I don't know what came over me. I guess it was just the shock of actually liking someone who liked me back. I saw you twice over the summer, but I don't know if you ever saw me. I hope you've forgotten about me. I hope you've moved on. I will never forget you, but if that's good or bad, I don't know yet.

That's what I get, I guess, for living a magicked life.

Whatever.

Hello viewers. It's been a while.

Last time you tuned in I was waiting for the weekend. I had thought I would've been able to use this weekend to catch up on my school work and such. Little did we know, that I was to recieve no real time in order to complete any work.

The house is messy, I haven't done any homework, and I have little money in my bank account. I'm tired, and sore, and physically and mentally pooped out. I just ran around trying to get my mom's birthday stuff together, without any help from my brother. I had to use effing glue to wrap her present, because we don't have tape.

I'm ready for Dames at Sea to be over. I am just so tired of all the work we don't do, all the time we don't put to good use, and all the resources that don't get managed well, mainly time and human energy.

I was talking to Morgan today about last year's UIL, and it made me feel physically nauseous. Near the end of the show, I was feeling so disliked and unwanted and hated. I almost started crying in the shop.

I hate how stupid people can be. I hate how everyone says I'm really nice, but the only reason I'm nice is because I don't want to be one of those drama bitches. I hate feeling conflicted about telling people what to do, because I am not one of the veterans of theatre. I hate how I never know which way to spell theater.

I need to go to sleep, but I've got stuff to do.

Whatever.

Wax philosophical.

You ever get that feeling that nobody is listening?
No one's listening.
I feel so helpless sometimes.
Like the world just passes me by, and there's nothing I can do about it.
One more day of summer.

I wish that I had gone on a date this summer. Maybe I didn't put myself out there enough. Or at all.

I've met great people, and I've had fun. But I'm always the minority. The gay one.

Maybe that's why I want GSA to be great. Maybe I don't want to be in the minority. But I know I will be. Even among them, I'm gonna be the gay guy who looks straight.

I guess that's good.

I think I'm gonna watch Rent tonight. I feel like crying. This was the first week that I've cried all summer, and it was so relieving.

The Penalty, or The Price
But still, in the back of my mind,
I hate being so kind.
I will not give in,
but I can't help feeling pinned.

Lucky.

I made it. I play the supporting male, Lucky. Now to describe the arduous path it took to get here.

I woke up at 2 on account of an anxiety attack. I felt out of control of my body, and that my blanket was trapping me, but part of my body as well. I couldn't sleep again till 4, and then I woke up at 7. I showered, hung around, then picked up Kayla and went to Auditions.

We sat around for an hour or so while we waited for people to find sheet music[Tory, bless her, brought all the sheet music for Dames at Sea], then began the tap learning. There weren't that many people, Godspell had so much more. It was alot of fun, I actually helped other people! Which sounds concieted, but I guess I learned quickly from Michelle earlier, plus band, and the fact that I knew the song by heart that we were dancing to helped alot. Then we sang, and I thought I did bad, I thought I was off-pitch. People told me I was great, but the same thing happened at Godspell, when I didn't even make call backs. Luckily, my number one fan Kayla was there, who recorded it on her camera. I watched it, and hey! I was good. I tapped for one final time as the final audition, then Kayla, Michelle, and I went to go see RV. It was okay.

Senior directs were okay. I did great as Hale, and our entire cast did good. Assassins was odd, but good, and Hamlet-15 was slightly immature and kind of unprofessional, but it was great and funny. We did Denny's afterwards.

I don't have to work tomorrow, because I've got a show. Honk starts at 12, Crucible at 1, Assassins at 2, and Hamlet at 3. It's only five bucks for all four shows, so come one, come all.

No Diving.

They added a new Entry Editor. It looks nice. [Which doesn't work, hah.]

This year went by so fast. It was just yesterday when I took my lifeguarding class, I left the bandhall for the last time, or I woke up with the sun shining through my curtains. I'm going to be a senior soon.

I can remember my first day of school. Mom herded Daniel and me into the line for our class outside, and our teacher Mrs. Brown led us in. I hid behind my brother as we went in. I remember learning the Alphabet, playing Math Blaster, learning multiplaction tables. I remember that everyone was amazed that I could read faster then our assistant teacher. I've always been able to read fast. I was the first person in that first grade class to get glasses.

Intermediate School: Fifth grade. Still with Daniel. I met my first real best friend, Kevin Florenzano. We felt like we had known eachother forever. I had my first crush, although I wasn't aware of it at the time. This kid that everyone liked, Tony.

Sixth grade in the McPherson Middle School, in Kansas. Oh god. Daniel and I had the same classes for a few months, and then in seventh grade was the first time I had never had a class with him. Small town, no friends. We got Everquest and I stayed up all night one night playing my High Elven Enchanter. I got a girlfriend in seventh grade. I played on the Tennis team. I went to my first dance. I was first chair alto sax, even though there were only three or four of us.

Texas. Eighth grade. Loneliness. I read. Alot. I played Bari. I developed my own special brand of magic. I started investigating Witchcraft for three years, until I became it. I put myself at ease that I was gay, but tried to be bi in ninth grade for my mom. Highschool. I was having dreams for up to a year before I actually went. I had uncountable deja vu's in ninth grade. I went to San Antonio three times, and Washington D.C. once. That summer I went to Germany with just Daniel, and our grandparents took us to Italy. Tenth grade started, and I became a big band nerd. But that january I tried out for my first play. And I loved it.

As Summer draws near I can't help but think about this past school year. Alot of things happened. Theatre happened to me. I got a good job. I ran from a hurricane, and stayed on Elm Street. I made out for the first time. I'm at peace with a higher power. I got my licence. I struggled in school. I went to the Caymans.

This year needs to end though. It needs to be put to rest. I need some rest from the drama. From the stress. From the school work. From the mistakes. I'm gonna take a bath tonight, since I didn't last night. Goodnight all.

Weekend Update.

Friday: I can't remember... hold on. Alright.

Friday: Practice, German Banquet. That was something. It kind of sucked. TAKs. That's all I need to say, heh. Hung out with Kayla. Met up with Ryan and Michi. I think Ryan wanted me to hit it off with some bi guy named Neil, but I honestly don't want a bi guy, and I wasn't feeling very hot that night. Michi did say I looked better then Ryan though, which was a great compliment. Thank you Michi.

Saturday: Woke up at 6:30 to go cover Nicole's classes at the Y. Got sunburnt. Ate lunch with Yma at Pei Wei's. We had fun. Then I had to do my own shift. I stayed in that night.

Sunday: Slept in till 10. Worked from 12-2, grabbed lunch with Nicole at Jack in the Crack. It was a fancy one, over by Langham. Interesting. Hung out at home, attempted to clean my room and do my homework. Had a staff meeting at 7:30. Then stayed in. My parents wouldn't let me go to Starbuck, which is just as well. I need to save money.

As I was walking Lu, there was a brief moment of silence in between tracks on my IPod. In this silence, I heard ducks quacking, frogs roaring, and bugs buzzing. And I swear, it was music. So I paused my IPod. And I danced. I danced to this awesome club mix by ditch dwellers. It was great. I was in a great mood all night.

Why can't I find the one I want?

And I cried about that today.

I was carrying a PC monitor downstairs, and slipped and slid 4 steps. I got a small carpet burn on the small of my back. I was fine, but my mom made me lay down on my stomach and she put an ice pack on it. That was the last straw, I guess. I faced the wall, and tears streamed down my face. I feel like alot of people don't like me anymore, for some strange reason. I feel like someone is turning these people against me, including one of my best friends. I'm still alone. I've been alone for so long. Sure, I have friends, but I want a boyfriend. I want to hold someone's hand, kiss his lips. Hug, cuddle. Someone new. Someone I've never met before. Someone who doesn't come from this crazy and mixed up school.

I feel like I'm becoming someone who's anti-social, someone no one wants to be friends with. And that scares me. In 8th grade, I was that someone, I only had one or two friends, and I read. Alot. I'm scared of losing my individuality. I'm scared of being played with again.

I think I deserve someone. I don't know. I can be mean at times. But think of all those mean people who do have someone. I'm usually nice. Why can't I find the one I want? I'm not being picky. I just haven't met him yet.

Journeyman.

"A journeyman is a tradesman or craftsman who may well have completed an apprenticeship but is not yet able to set up their own workshop as a master. In parts of Europe, as in later medieval Germany, spending time as a journeyman (Geselle), moving from one town to another to gain experience of different workshops, was an important part of the training of an aspirant master." -Definition taken from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

I realized today that I've become a Journeyman in my craft. Hah, that sounds kind of Medieval, but it's true. For a long while, I haven't been able to find any new sources of information. It's all the same stuff, stuff that I already know. And lately, I've been creating my own. Casting circles randomly, praying to the Goddess. It's a very new experience. But it all came naturally. I didn't take a definate choice, I just thought and did it. I've been more at peace with myself lately as well. It's all good. Faith really does help. I'm going to try and change my eye color. As soon as I'm allowed to drive on the freeway, I'm going up to Montrose to visit the Magick Cauldron. There, I'll buy something to celebrate my new rank. I'm happy.

What's wrong with people?

Do they enjoy hurting people that much? Or are they just that insecure? But what's so threatening about me? The only thing I can think of is that two of these people are insecure about their sexuality, but that's it. Maybe that's enough.

It's not just me. This group of people is rude to everyone. Even eachother. I can see the power struggles, favoritism, and the fawning over their leader. It bothers me so much. And the allies I thought I had aren't really allies. They're either in between or on the other side. I'm being over dramatic, but I cried near the end of rehearsal today. One girl verbally attacked me, and it was so sudden and rude. I never even talk to her, but she's a lackey. Plus the other three were just rude and immature and unfocused. I know it's silly to want everyone to be on my side[like there's sides anyway], but I can't help but feel all alone. The one person who is stronger then me in this is an alternate, and I wish so dearly that she was back there with us. I love her, and she helps me so much.

I'm considering quitting. If we advance, then I'll think about it, but if we don't advance, then things will probably get better. We'll see what happens tomorrow

Too Sensitive.

Someone told me that I take things too personally. Which is true, on occasion. But someone has been pretty rude to me for a while, and apparently she thinks I'm too sensitive. Which is kind of silly, because I can handle being called a fag by an asshole, but now I'm sensitive because my friend surreptiously tells me that she hates me? Excuse me, how do I have no backbone? This coming from the guy who can't even come out of the closet. There is teasing, and then there is rude, and some people need to learn that rudeness has no excuse. I learned that the hard way. I may tease, and I may cross the line, but at least I apoligize.

UIL is getting tense, Cy-Ridge is not being accomadating at all, and we had a fun rehearsal today. I have to vent online, because no one wants to hear my bitching, and I can't say anything that will disrupt UIL. It bothers me, but whatever. When I explode with frustration, someone else can clean up the mess.

I'm a girl. Sometimes.

I was just thinking about that today. Marcus was asking why girls feel so strongly about things, and I realized I'm like that. I feel strongly about love, and emotions, and feelings. Sometimes I feel like a girl in a guy's body, but I'm more then that. I'm my own creation. I'm not given over entirely to girlyness. Most people are surprised to find out that I'm gay. Some don't believe me. There's a part of me that could hold a girl, if I was forced to, but I'd much rather be held by a guy, if that makes sense. I could possibly be bi, but I like guys. Besides, pussies are kind of gross. And I hate when boobies rub up against me. I'd much rather have a daughter then a girlfriend. Maybe that's the part of me that wishes I was a girl. I think life might be easier that way, but I'm happy the way I am. A man. Plus I don't want to PMS.

Happy Ostara!

Today is the Spring Equinox. Today day and night are equal, unlike everyone's emotions. Staying cooped up today was a bad decision, it's best to get outside because Spring is here. Get outside, sit on the grass, take a walk. Let Nature fill you and calm you. I'm not particularly in love with Nature, but even if you don't plant a tree or plant to celebrate, it's good to get outside. Sit under the stars and meditate, or if that's not your bag, just sit and think. They're almost the same thing. I guarantee you'll feel better.

I got my licence today. School was bad, rehearsal was hot, but as soon as I got outside I cheered up. I took a long and emotional walk with Lu to celebrate Ostara. Someone had planted a tree, and the smell of fresh dirt seems like a good omen. I'm content.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. Rehearsal was crap, as usual, but we might get to go to the Children's Museum on Thursday. Cross your fingers! We're definitley getting out of school on Friday though.

My parents talked to Daniel and I about car insurance. It's going to double when we get insured, so Daniel and I will have to chip in to help pay for it, which really isn't such a big deal. My parents make it out to be bigger then it really is, but it's not that bad. Sure Daniel and I will have to chip in alot, which we don't have right now, but work is gonna pick up soo. Next month I'm gonna be teaching lessons on sundays, so it's all good.

So, today at Starbucks with Elizabeth and Vicki. We happened to be there when a certain drum major and his band study group was there. He kept looking over at us, but we couldn't decide if it was because of a: I used to have a crush on him, b: Elizabeth and him used to be cool friends and he's never really seen her loud before, or c: We/I were/was molesting Vicki, heh. It was very interesting and we debated it in the car afterwards. I really like Vicki and Elizabeth, they're so easy to talk to and geniunely nice people.

About the person I said I liked. I don't know anymore. Maybe I thought I liked him because he's the first really hot guy to have maybed liked me, and maybe I just thought too fast or something. Anyways, he's really fun to talk to and I'm gonna just see what happens. I hope something happens. I hear he's a bad kisser though. Not like I have much to compare it to anyways.

I recently read a book by Christopher Rice, called A Density of Souls. It's one of the best books I've read in a really long time, if not ever. It made me cry, twice I think, which means that it must be good. Kayla's reading my copy, and then my dad gets it, but if you want it after that I'd be happy to lend it to you.

Anyways, that's just about it. I'm in a good mood right now. ^_^