Sometimes I wish I was dead.

I sometimes wish I was dead, and not because I'm depressed. I'm not depressed. I'm not depressed.
Sometimes I wish I was dead, if only so I could see if there was anything else to this existence. So I could see what's next. It's so hard. It's so hard finding your purpose. I have No Purpose. It's a disease. No Purpose.

I miss high school. I miss the structured environment. I miss skipping class. I miss theatre. I miss lunch plans. I have to get to college. I have to get to that structured enviroment again.

This morning I was watching a squirrel play in the tree outside of my window. I hit a squirrel on the way home from school. Then later, as my mom yelled at me for something unrelated, I saw two squirrels playing outside of the window.

WHAT AM I DOING HERE?
WHY?
WHY AM I HERE?
WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?
SHIT.

Miss. M insists that I have a purpose. She said, "I will bet my life that you have a purpose in this world." Yeah? I feel like my purpose is so important at times, and then at other times I feel like I'm nobody. Who am I to think that my purpose is so important? Who am I?
I'm Chris Bernal. Christopher Bernal. Christopher Anthony Bernal. German. Gay. Male. Artist. Writer. Poet. Actor. Singer. Philosopher. Wizard.
But what does that matter?
Honestly?
I don't know.

2012. 2012. 2012. Neon signs. Flashing. 2012. 2012. 2012. Queztlcoatyl. The feathered snake.

"December 21 — The Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, notably used by the Maya civilization among others of pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, completes its thirteenth b'ak'tun cycle since the calendar's mythical starting point (equivalent to 3114 BC August 11 in the proleptic Gregorian calendar). The Long Count b'ak'tun date of this starting point (13.0.0.0.0) is repeated, for the first time in a span of approximately 5,125 solar years. The significance of this period-ending to the pre-Columbian Maya themselves is unclear, and there is an incomplete inscription that records this date. It is also to be found carved on the walls of the Temple of Inscriptions in Palenque where it functions as a base date from which other dates are computed. However, it is conjectured that this may represent in the Maya belief system a transition from the current Creation world into the next. The December solstice for 2012 also occurs on this day. Astronomically, the Earth is said to be aligned facing the center of the Milky Way behind the Sun on this date."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012

"Astronomically, the Earth is said to be aligned facing the center of the Milky Way behind the Sun on this date."
"Astronomically, the Earth is said to be aligned facing the center of the Milky Way behind the Sun on this date."
"Astronomically, the Earth is said to be aligned facing the center of the Milky Way behind the Sun on this date."

I'm scared.

Lost.

It's so hard to maintain. This facade of mine.

How emo is that? I'm not that emo. I dyed my hair black. So? I'm not depressed. I'm not depressed.

"Cause you are not alone.
I'm always there with you,
and we'll get lost together,
till the light comes pouring through.
Cause when you feel like you're done,
and the darkness has won.
Babe, you're not lost.
When your world's crashing down,
and you cannot bear the cross.
I said, baby, you're not lost."

I'm not lost. I have a purpose in life. My purpose is.

I don't know what my purpose is. But hey. I'm only 18. Right?

The human is weird.

My whole body is mentally cringing at the thought of going to work tonight.

It's not that I'm still tired, the nine hours of sleep I got last night fixed that. I just don't want to get that tired again. I'm scared. It's completely mental, my brain doesn't like pain. I'm a painaphobe. Speaking of mental things:

I like guys. It's weird. Here's an experiment. Look at a girl. How do you feel? Look at a guy. How do you feel? When I look at a girl I feel nothing. But guys? It doesn't matter who they are, I automatically judge them. Am I attracted to them? Are they attractive? Cute? Hot? Sexy? Handsome? Four categories that are very important.
But here's the thing. I'm not supposed to be attracted to guys. I know! Crazy, right? Men are supposed to like Women. Basic Biology.

Maybe the fact that I almost puked this morning is making me weird. I've never puked from sheer anxiety before. I'm sure that it builds character though.

P.S. I don't feel any better.

Woah.

Okay, there is this guy who's doing something weird. He just dropped a note on the student activities manger's desk. And he was scared or something, because him and his friend were talking about it loudly. It was really weird, and I have this sudden urge to go read the note real quick. What could it say? "Will you marry me?" "I quit." "Your mom is dead." It could say alot of things. I won't go in. It's too risky, and I'm not sure I care that much. Just because a guy is cute, doesn't mean I need to be stalker-ish. I'm laughing at myself.

My english teacher is a moron. I really don't know what goes through her head. Of course, I'm kind of moronic. A 20 page journal was due today and I didn't know. So of course I didn't turn it in. Ugh.

I am so tired. Why is our starbucks the only one staying open til twelve for the holidays? I feel like I didn't sleep at all. I just had hallucinations of sleeping, and weird weird dreams about stocking cups.

It's way to cold outside to play tennis. Fuck.

Holy crap. The student activities manager just walked into her office. She read the note, and picked up the phone. I wonder what's going to happen.

A steady path to fulfillment.

"November 24-26:
a steady path to fulfillment

The noisy Gemini Full Moon, wild Uranus turning direct, and a hazy Mercury-Neptune square on November 24 make for a very complex day. Resist the impuls to leap into action, which can put you in an even more perilous position. You radiate confidence and increase your likelihood of success with a surefooted approach rahter than a leap into the unknown. Breathe deeply to gather yourself, because precise aim is required to hit your target. A forgiving trine between Venus and Neptune on November 26 brings joy with little effort on your part. Life can be sweet, even without a lover or a bankroll, as pleasure unfolds for you naturally now."

I am on a steady path to fulfillment.

Let's discuss.

Robert told me on Friday that I was supposed to come into work at 5:45 PM Saturday. I come, and I'm not scheduled until 8 o'clock. So I head to Barnes and Noble. I read a New X-Men comic, and then skimmed through a book about 2012. I learned that in 2008 there is supposed to be a socioeconomic failure. Or something of that kin.
Work was great. The first two days I worked I would leave with a sense of dissatisfaction. I wasn't learning fast enough. But today I jumped right in. I even got to wear the spare apron, although I had to return it when we closed. I cleaned and restocked, than took a ten minute break as Jennifer told me to. After my ten, she taught me how to put orders into the register, and I took peoples money when they bought drinks. Apparently I did well, and I didn't feel bad about it at all. Of course, Claudia watched over me, and helped alot. I washed dishes. I like it. Heinlein's character in "Job" likes to wash dishes too, and it made me think of him. Great book. I did that until close, whereupon we stacked chairs outside and smoked. Then I cleaned the lobby[STOP MOVING CHAIRS AROUND], and mopped. I like mopping too. I mopped the back room, than sat down with my black ice tea and two doughnuts while we waited for Claudia's ride. They're all funny, and we like each other.

Anyway, it was really great. Thank goodness I get to sleep in tomorrow. Yay.

An ode.

An Ode to my Comp. and Rhetoric II Classmate.
You are in my english class.
I can tell that neither of us like it.
Even so, we're both sure to pass.
Our teacher is kind of stupid.

If you're interested, let me know.
I'm definitely interested in you.
Drop a line, or say hello.
Let's make a connection that's new.

Not one of my better ones. I'm out of practice.

Seasons of Love.

I saw Rent yesterday, and while it wasn't as great as I had hoped it would be, it was still pretty good. In all honesty I didn't like the guys who played Roger and Collins. Collins was an American Idol finalist, and Roger was a South African idol. They both sounded great, of course, but their acting wasn't the best. I loved Mark and Mimi. "Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow to blow of Auntie Em." That was really cute. And even before Collins opened his mouth in I'll Cover You [Reprise], two crocodile tears fell down. It felt good. It was a nice release from living under the bell jar these past few days.

Rent has two definitions that are important to me. The first is the fee you pay to live somewhere. The second says that rent means torn apart. And that's how their lives kind of are when we first enter the show. Rent. Then Angel comes, and she heals it. They all come together and are friends again. So of course, when she dies they fight. And it takes the near death of another to bring them back again.

There were somethings I didn't like about the performance, but there were alot more that I did like. I'm really glad I saw it though.

Abercrombie and Me?

Wow, Abercrombie. I'd like to think that he was really looking at me today. I kept catching small glances in my direction. We sat directly across the classroom today. He talked alot more than he usually does. He's awkward, which reminds me even more of Mr. S. And our english teacher was telling an anecdote. "When I was young, men who were interested in fashion were called gentleman. Now they're just called gay." She didn't mean it in a harsh way, she seems to be almost defensive. I smiled in a knowing way, and I saw Abercrombie smiling too. I could've sworn that we shared a knowing glance, but that was probably my imagination. Of course, for the rest of the morning I've been imagining our first date. But I'm silly.

Anyway, I have to go.

Flip a coin.

I really don't want to go to english. But, I've been given this chance and I need to stay driven.

From now on, when I'm choosing between doing something good and something frivolous, I will flip a coin. When it's something obvious, such as going to class or cleaning my room, there's no need to flip. But when it's something less clear, like going to Chick-fil-a for breakfast or going out with friends, that is the time to flip.
Heads, I'll stay in. Tails, I go out. Tails. Great.Heads, I'll get
Chick-fil-a. Tails, I don't. Heads. Great.
Just little things like that.

I need to stay focused. "The change you started already have far-reaching effects. Be ready."

I never said.

Texas State was good. The drive wasn't bad, only two and a half hours. I like the campus, but it's very hilly. Oh my god, is it ever hilly. I freaked out at lunch, because the theatre major has a core of complete theatre classes, which is bad. For me that is, because I only have one theatre course right now, so I'd be very behind. After reading some brochures and flipping through the course catalog, I decided to change my major to Philosophy with a minor in Theatre. My plan is to go on and get my Doctorate in Philosophy so I can teach it in colleges, which sounds so boring. But anyway, it should allow me to do whatever I want. Right? Does that make sense? I'd like to be able to write dramatic and philosophical plays that make people think. I want to be the next Brecht. Anyway, I can always fall back on my Theatre minor. Hah.

I feel like the Philosophy is the best thing I can take that will prepare me for the upcoming events. In regard to 2021, that is. If or when this world ends. I always get this feeling. This feeling that the changing of the worlds will be an important event for me. Not just me, of course, it will be important for everyone. But, maybe I feel like I am going to play a part in it. Maybe that's just my big ol' imagination. Damn you, imagination. You always raise my hopes.

"There is no remedy for love but to love more."

"There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more." "There is no remedy for love but to love more."

Love more.


Is this retarded? I don't know, I just felt like it.

College, this time fo' real.

So there's a big chance that I will be attending Texas State - San Marcos in the Fall of 2008. I am super excited. They have a great theatre department, one of the best in the state. Laura Lane, otherwise know as 'C.C. Babcock' from T.V.'s The Nanny is a full time lecturer there, which is really exciting. Daniel and I would be getting our own two-room suite, which is very exciting. The whole prospect is just exciting. I'm excited. And I haven't been this excited in a long time.

Daniel, my mom, and I are going there for Bobcat day, which is basically an "opportunity to experience Texas State and get a glimpse into the life of a Bobcat." Yeah. There's only one thing holding me back, but honestly. I'm slightly scared of Tyler. Which I know is ridiculous, but. But. But I don't know. There's no real reason to be scared of him. That whole thing was two years ago. I'm sure he's gotten over it, since he's a fully functioning homosexual now.

Anyway, the whole thing is scary and exciting and stomach-turning all at the same time. Which can be a good thing.

I lost my Cheese: An indepth exploration of "Who moved my Cheese?" and how it relates to me.

Who moved my Cheese is an inspirational parable about change and how to deal with it. The Cheese represents happiness and well-being. Little people live in the Maze and have to find the Cheese. One day they stumble upon Cheese Station C, which is full of cheese. They live their happily, until one day the Cheese is gone. One person refuses to believe that things have changed, while the other gets over his fears and makes his way back into the Maze. After searching for a long while, he finds Cheese Station N, where he and his mouse friends stay happily.

How does this relate to me?

First, what is my Cheese? Happiness, obviously. But what kind of happiness? Security? Love? Friendship? All of these. Security mostly though. The security of an enviroment where I feel safe. High school used to be where my Cheese was, which is odd. I used to hate it. But now I'm out of high school, so I have to find new cheese in college. Which means that I need to find a secure and safe place for me here.

What other Cheese is there?

Again security, but this time in the form of money. I am broke. I used to have a good job with a steady income, but I lost that Cheese. So I now need to find new Cheese in the form of work. Luckily I'm fairly sure that I've gotten the job at Starbucks, so that's okay.

I'm also looking for Cheese in the form of theatre. I would like to be a part of theatre again, like I was in high school. I'm really not liking Cy-Fair so much. I don't feel like I'm learning anything. While I understand that this is the thirteenth grade, I'm still disappointed. But there will be shows next semester, so there's always that.

So, I've realized what my Cheese is/was. And I know how to find it. By overcoming my fears, and running the maze again. It's going to be harder this time, because I'm used to the Cheese being brought to me. The Cheese would just fall into my lap. The first is recognizing the problem, though, so I'm ready to start running.

Once you change what you believe, you change what you do.

I miss smoking.

I miss the taste. I miss having something to do with my hands. I miss the smell. I miss the smokers. I miss the excuse.

My calender features two cows from The Far Side. The female cow stands at the window and looks at the pasture. She says to her partner. "Wendell... I'm not content." I wish I had a Wendell, just so I could tell him that I'm not content either. I'm not content with the life I'm living right now. It feels so empty. It's just repetition. More of the same. I'm not living a fulfilling life. Shouldn't I be? Carpe diem? All that jazz?

"I cannot go to the ocean, I cannot drive the streets at night, I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind."

I'm tired. Goodnight.

I forgot my headphones.

So, now I can't listen to my music in the library. Well, not music. Just one song. Over and over again.

I have my Starbucks interview today. I'm not nervous or excited. I just am. Sort of like, insert your favorite adjective here. I'm blank. I'm happy for my Starbucks interview today. I'm apathetic for my Starbucks interview today. I'm gay for my Starbucks interview today. I'm straight for my Starbucks interview today. I'm stupid for my Starbucks interview today. Well, Ryan told me that I should act like I like to go by the book.

[Quick thought: I wonder who he is? Not Ryan, but Abercrombie. He actually didn't look very Abercrombie today. He was wearing a 'Green' shirt. Be Green? He has an Ibook with him everyday.]

I do like to go by the book occasionally. I like formulas. That's the only thing I love about Algebra. Some part of me just loves using formulas over and over again. 2=1+X. X=1. [Quick thought: X=You.] I like formulas, they're a brainless activity. It brings me an inner peace when I sit down. I go over each problem, and all I have to do is plug in a formula. [Quick thought: Please do not start writing cliche' formulas like Me + You = Love. You're a loser, Chris Bernal.]

I see this girl from school, I had first period with her last year. She was one of the popular kids. And now she's at Cy-Fair. I wonder how she feels. Community college. Most popular kids get into either the Awesome league of schools, or party schools where they can transfer into the Awesome league of schools. Seriously, Texas is big on their college. Texas is big on everything. Except hockey. No one really hears about hockey. At least I don't.

My english teacher just walked by and asked me how I was doing. I wish she had noticed that I was writing a blog.

I wish I could like Ibooks. They're just so weird though. My dad almost got me one, but then I'd feel like just another gay stereotype. Gay gay gay. Look at that gay blank with the Ibook. Look at that gay actor with the Ibook. Look at that gay activist with the Ibook. Look at that gay fag with the Ibook. That last one was dumb.

Goodbye, my almost lover.

"Goodbye, my almost lover.
Goodbye, my hopeless dream.
I'm trying not to think about you.
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance.
My back is turned on you.
Should've known you'd bring me heartache.
Almost lovers always do."

Should I turn my back on you? Take a chance.

"Reckless dating," she said. "I thought you wanted to start recklessly dating?" He didn't reply. Maybe I should, he thought on the way home. Maybe that would be a good idea, he thought while making dinner. Why can't I do this, he thought while brushing his teeth. Oh my god, he thought as he layed down to sleep. Oh my god.

Love nest.

I wish I was a hippie.

I spent six hours at school today painting. I needed six work hours for my acting I class. Mr. Jones told this one stage manager that I was a great performer. It was weird and very nice. Mr. Sharp was there too. He's the musical director for the Honky Tonk Angels Holiday Spectacular. I know. He was flirting with me? I didn't like it. Just because I'm legal now doesn't mean you can invade my personal space.

I had dinner with Chelsea afterwards. Panda Express. She's looking really good. Maybe more grown up? She said she wasn't wearing as much make up. It's a good change.

"What are you gonna do with your life?"

I'm gonna get what I want.

New Year's Resolutions.

I want to lose weight.

I want to be in a show.

I want to improve my singing skill.

I want to save money.

I want to be more responsible.

I want to move on.

Quotes.

"You're such a coward."

"I really like this girl."

You're a secret-bitch."

"Ron tells me that you're a great performer."

"That's sketchy."

"Triple-threat."

"Political agenda."

"Our love is like a retainer."

Best Kept Secret.

I was singing while picking up dirty clothes, and I suddenly started to cry. So something must be wrong with me.

It's turbulent, at best. This transition to adulthood. That's all college is. We're so pampered in high school, that they have to thrust us into the frying pan and expect filet mignon on the first try. A horrible analogy, but I blame Chelsea. She's the Goddess of Horrible Analogies.

I'm more than this guy. I'm a wading pool with a small deep hole in the middle. Careful babies, you might slip in.

Riddle me this: Why do I still miss you so fucking much?

"Beneath the million stars there's no need to pretend.
I want to be with you. I think it's time that we end,
the best kept secret."

"It's best kept secret."

"When did we lose ever after?"

"You can't be the same boy I followed.
Thought I'd always follow.
You've hurt me more than you know.
All that I wanted was you.
You were my tomorrow."

Happy new year! For those of you that don't know, last night was Samhain. Samhain is the Witch's New Year, which makes today the first day of the year. Things are already looking up. This semester has gone by fairly quick, and I should be passing Algebra and Chemistry. Those are the only classes I need to worry about.

A whole year has gone by already.