"Red High Heels."

I'm gonna call up that old boyfriend you said still has it bad for me.

Gonna take him into town, flaunt him around, for everyone to see.

Well, you say 'Watch yourself, baby.' Well, you know the deal.

Nobody holds a candle to me in my red high heels.

If only I felt like that all the time. This song will be popular with the fans of the Brokeback Boys. I just need some red high heels to fit my feet.

It's 8th grade all over again.

God, I spent the last two years of highschool becoming way more self-confident, more friendly, and less shy. Now in a single week, that's all gone. I'm this moody middle schooler again, who doesn't talk to anyone, thinks he's smarter than everyone, and reads way too much. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I keep telling myself that it'll change, "You'll lose weight, you'll get to know people, that zit inbetween your eyes will fade." And deep down, I know that it's true. It's just that right now I don't feel good at all.

Now that I think about it, I realize that it's only on mondays and wednesdays that I feel like that. Tuesdays and thursdays I'm with Daniel in chem, and Stefani in algebra, and I enjoy those classes. If only because I'm with people I've known for a good while.

And english isn't bad, just my dumb teacher. But I guess it's just tennis and acting that I feel awkward. I'm really reconsidering this acting thing. But it's the only real thing I can think of that could pay the bills. That and teach, hahah. Which is probably what I'll end up doing. Teaching english, theatre, philosophy, or theology. Whatever, you know.

Okay, now it's time to actually pay the bills. Work.

An event in my college Eng. II class.

We were talking about symbols, and someone suggested the dove. "It represents peace?" the girl said, as our teacher gave her a dumbfounded look. "Oh, yes," said the teacher. "Like in the Vietnam war, with the doves and the hawks. They represented the people for and against the war, the one in Vietnam. The doves were obviously the hippies, because they were getting killed and drafted."

I metaphorically beat my head on the desk.

Rough draft.

Like real life, this play has too many story lines. Too many characters with broken hearts. Too many inside jokes.

Spotlights up right and down left. Up right, Doug is seated with his arms around his knees. Matthew stands uncomfortably, shivering in the cold. Down left, Stephen is sitting on a chair, with Jenny straddled over his legs. They are making out. He stops her.

JENNY. Do you not want this?

STEPHEN. I don’t know if you want this.

JENNY. Well.. [She kisses him. They make out.]

DOUG. What do you want from me Matthew?

MATTHEW. Nothing. I… You don’t need to give me anything.

DOUG. What does that mean? Do you want me to still like you?

MATTHEW. No. I mean… I don’t know.

DOUG. What? Do you still like me? Do you want me to tell you that I never stopped loving you? Even when I tried to cut you completely out of my life?

Stephen stops Jenny from continuing. He’s silent.

MATTHEW. No, I just… I…

DOUG. Well?

JENNY. Say something.

STEPHEN. I… I can’t.

MATTHEW. Well..

DOUG. [Stands, and grabs Matthew’s chin.] Just look at me. Look.

JENNY. [Grabs Stephen’s chin.] Just look me straight in the eye and tell me. Tell me we'll never go out again.

STEPHEN. Okay. We'll never go out again.

MATTHEW. Okay.

DOUG. Tell me. Tell me that there's nothing there.

JENNY. Absolutely nothing no matter how deep down inside.

STEPHEN. Jenny…

JENNY. Break my heart, Stephen. Please God, just break my heart.

MATTHEW. Doug, don’t.

DOUG. Tell me.

MATTHEW & STEPHEN. I really like this girl.

Black out.

Stealing hearts.

Why can't someone just steal my heart back from him?

It's been almost two years. I've liked him for so long, and I have no idea what he feels about me now. I guess I kind of deserve it. I cut him completely from my life, that he might be hurt. And it wasn't completely his fault that I got hurt so bad. But, still. You'd think that I might've moved on by now. But it's so hard. I wish I could just sit down with him and discuss it. But I don't think I'd hear anything new or important. He's a capricorn, I'm a pisces. I just feel so much stronger than he does. What sucks the most is that no one has come along to make me forget him. No one has come alone to take back that piece of my heart. Or to give me some of theirs.

Maybe that's what it is. Maybe we each just give and recieve pieces of hearts, to fill the holes and the cracks that are in our own. I gave him a piece of mine, and I still haven't recieved one back. Maybe that's why we go through life. To mix and match hearts, so that we're fully grown and mature souls. We trade pieces, to find a way to connect us all.

My week on the island.

This is my last night on the island, and it's been a very nice week.

Friday morning I went to Cy-fair to pick up my student ID, my stomach was hurting. I also called my boss Dave to tell him that I wasn't coming in, because I was quitting. Later he called to tell me that I needed to find coverage or I'd be fired instead of quitting. Eh, I don't care. I wanted to do it the right way, go the two weeks, get a nice recommendation, but my parents convinced me not to. They held up a 2,200 dollar car fixing over my head, what can I say? Than we left, and drove for about an hour and a half. We passed a burning car on the way.

Saturday was nice. I slept in late. Daniel and I are sharing a room with two sets of bunk beds, so we each get two beds to ourselves. Lulu also seems to like this room alot, and she sleeps on the floor between us. We went to the beach. I flew a kite. Than my dad barbequed for dinner.

Sunday was also nice. Basically the same thing. Wake up, eat lunch, beach, eat dinner. We went into town, and I got a seagull kite from Academy.

Most everyone in our area left after the weekend, and we had the beach to ourselves on

Monday. The seagull kite was hard to fly.

Tuesday we went into town for an early lunch. Julia, Ollie, and Mom went to Moody Gardens, and Daniel, Dad, and I saw Superbad. It was pretty much what I expected. Stupid laughs. I still enjoyed it. Oddly enough, the movie theatre was playing musicals with the regular music. It was odd. That night we had a bonfire on the beach. I roasted a bratwurst, and had burnt marshmallows. I love burnt marshmallows. As I looked up at the clear stars, all I could think of was the vast empty space that it really was, and I realized that I would probably never leave Earth, even if I was given the chance.

We hung out on Wednesday, than went to Schlitterbahn around 2:30. You get in cheaper at 3, since it closes at 6. On the way in I saw Chelsea from Seussical. It was totally unexpected, and a little awkward. Of course, this world is so small.

Today was nice. We went to the beach after lunch, which had huge waves. The tide was very high.

We should be leaving around 10 tomorrow.

It's been nice, a great chance to bond with my family. But I'll stll be glad to be home.

Today's philosophy.

Today's philosophy is drawn from the ongoing struggle between Chaos and Order.

I was lifeguarding on the corner, just standing and watching the pool, when a little boy wih highlights approaches me. "Look what I did." He said, and pointed to the ropes. All the bouys on the rope were facing the same direction and were evenly spaced apart. I nodded approvingly, and he went on his business. Five minutes later, I return my attention to the rope in front of me and I see a little mexican girl moving the bouys around, purposely taunting the boys who had organized them. In a matter of seconds, it was was a battle. The girl and her male cohort would swim around the ropes messing with the bouys, while the three boys would either cry or get mad and try to fix them. Eventually I had to step in and say, "Hey, stop playing with the ropes!" The little boy who had originally approached me came back, almost crying. "Thank you." He said, and I almost laughed.

Basically, the metaphor is that no matter how much order is put down, chaos will come back and mess things up. It just all depends on what you like better.