I'm a girl. Sometimes.

I was just thinking about that today. Marcus was asking why girls feel so strongly about things, and I realized I'm like that. I feel strongly about love, and emotions, and feelings. Sometimes I feel like a girl in a guy's body, but I'm more then that. I'm my own creation. I'm not given over entirely to girlyness. Most people are surprised to find out that I'm gay. Some don't believe me. There's a part of me that could hold a girl, if I was forced to, but I'd much rather be held by a guy, if that makes sense. I could possibly be bi, but I like guys. Besides, pussies are kind of gross. And I hate when boobies rub up against me. I'd much rather have a daughter then a girlfriend. Maybe that's the part of me that wishes I was a girl. I think life might be easier that way, but I'm happy the way I am. A man. Plus I don't want to PMS.

Happy Ostara!

Today is the Spring Equinox. Today day and night are equal, unlike everyone's emotions. Staying cooped up today was a bad decision, it's best to get outside because Spring is here. Get outside, sit on the grass, take a walk. Let Nature fill you and calm you. I'm not particularly in love with Nature, but even if you don't plant a tree or plant to celebrate, it's good to get outside. Sit under the stars and meditate, or if that's not your bag, just sit and think. They're almost the same thing. I guarantee you'll feel better.

I got my licence today. School was bad, rehearsal was hot, but as soon as I got outside I cheered up. I took a long and emotional walk with Lu to celebrate Ostara. Someone had planted a tree, and the smell of fresh dirt seems like a good omen. I'm content.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. Rehearsal was crap, as usual, but we might get to go to the Children's Museum on Thursday. Cross your fingers! We're definitley getting out of school on Friday though.

My parents talked to Daniel and I about car insurance. It's going to double when we get insured, so Daniel and I will have to chip in to help pay for it, which really isn't such a big deal. My parents make it out to be bigger then it really is, but it's not that bad. Sure Daniel and I will have to chip in alot, which we don't have right now, but work is gonna pick up soo. Next month I'm gonna be teaching lessons on sundays, so it's all good.

So, today at Starbucks with Elizabeth and Vicki. We happened to be there when a certain drum major and his band study group was there. He kept looking over at us, but we couldn't decide if it was because of a: I used to have a crush on him, b: Elizabeth and him used to be cool friends and he's never really seen her loud before, or c: We/I were/was molesting Vicki, heh. It was very interesting and we debated it in the car afterwards. I really like Vicki and Elizabeth, they're so easy to talk to and geniunely nice people.

About the person I said I liked. I don't know anymore. Maybe I thought I liked him because he's the first really hot guy to have maybed liked me, and maybe I just thought too fast or something. Anyways, he's really fun to talk to and I'm gonna just see what happens. I hope something happens. I hear he's a bad kisser though. Not like I have much to compare it to anyways.

I recently read a book by Christopher Rice, called A Density of Souls. It's one of the best books I've read in a really long time, if not ever. It made me cry, twice I think, which means that it must be good. Kayla's reading my copy, and then my dad gets it, but if you want it after that I'd be happy to lend it to you.

Anyways, that's just about it. I'm in a good mood right now. ^_^

Goodbye love.

Wow, when I left school I just got hit by a big wave of depression. I didn't have my bike, because my mom drove me because it was so cold, so I had to walk home.. Auditions were so bad, Reynolds delayed callbacks till monday. I was hoping getting busy would cheer me up.

"Just came to say, goodbye love."

I have no idea why I'm so depressed. I guess I'm just tired. 16 weeks of school, gets you down, I guess. Plus work and Odd Couple in between, and personal problems. Only a week and a half more. Then a week later, we're gone for the Caymans. I'm cutting off all outside contact, and just relaxing. I'll buy some presents maybe. I plan on laying on the beach, or riding my bike around the island. Daniel and I talked about 'hitting the clubs'. I'll be glad just to forget everyone and everything for a week. I'm so tired and depressed right now. I don't know why.

"Hello disease."

I was walking towards the YMCA after work to turn in the keys. The light in the big mirrored aerobics room was on, and inside was a girl all alone. She was dancing, it looked sort of russian, but all I could tell was that it was beautiful. She was practicing in the mirror, and it looked really good.

It's odd how you can look into a random window and catch a small glimpse of someone elses life. I wish someone would look into mine and think that. I wonder if people do. I wonder if people see me at lunch, or reading at Barnes, and think that. I know I do, although maybe too often. For example, I was at Java House last sunday evening, and this young woman wearing a cool short white dress, with a very cool nose ring, sat down across from me. She was cool. And cool is very hard to come by these days.

I love those moments when you find a connection with someone you would never imagine you could find a connection with. Or you randomly bump into someone somewhere, and then talk forever.

Well, I'm done now. Spirit day tomorrow. Misha and Kayla made me a rainbow garter, I'm excited to see it.

I had a good day today. Free periods all day basically. Rehearsal was great and I got this kick ass belt at Wal-mart. The first item of clothing I've ever bought there.

Something this sophmore in my Chemistry class said to me really got to me. I wasn't mad or anything, but it's kind of depressing. "I'd like to be friends with you, but I can't because you're gay." I asked him why, and he said his parents won't let him. It's really sad how parents push their beliefs onto their children. I'm glad my parents have always been open, and willing to talk about anything and everything. While they made me go to church in my early years, I eventually chose a different route and they didn't seem to mind. I know my dad doesn't care that I'm gay, but I think my mom does. I'm sure she wants grandchildren, and can envision being a matriarch of a huge family. It is a little sad, and I hope Ollie doesn't turn out to be gay too. It's hard.

I was at Barnes and Noble, looking through the New Age section, and I saw a book promoting Satanism. Of course I picked it up and checked it out. I think it's extremely cool that we live in a country where you can freely promote your religion of choice. While I don't believe in Satan or hell, I'd like to read the book. Might be eye-opening.

Daniel has been real sick over the past week. He went to the doctor twice, and the hospital twice. Today he was admitted. He's diagnosed with bacterial meningitus. I know he's gonna be okay now, but I can't help think about what life would be like without him.

I'd probably get his stuff. I'd get my own car. I'd probably get a cat because my parents would want to cheer me up. I wouldn't have to worry about him, or what he thinks of me. I wouldn't have to live up to him so much. He wouldn't have to put up with my idiocies.

I'd be alone. I've been with him my whole life. It's hard too imagine him not there. I've always been able to talk to him about most stuff. I had every class with him up until seventh grade. I'd miss him terribly.

I don't want any calling me, or IMing me, telling me that he's gonna be okay. I know he is. I just needed to vent.