Why can't I find the one I want?

And I cried about that today.

I was carrying a PC monitor downstairs, and slipped and slid 4 steps. I got a small carpet burn on the small of my back. I was fine, but my mom made me lay down on my stomach and she put an ice pack on it. That was the last straw, I guess. I faced the wall, and tears streamed down my face. I feel like alot of people don't like me anymore, for some strange reason. I feel like someone is turning these people against me, including one of my best friends. I'm still alone. I've been alone for so long. Sure, I have friends, but I want a boyfriend. I want to hold someone's hand, kiss his lips. Hug, cuddle. Someone new. Someone I've never met before. Someone who doesn't come from this crazy and mixed up school.

I feel like I'm becoming someone who's anti-social, someone no one wants to be friends with. And that scares me. In 8th grade, I was that someone, I only had one or two friends, and I read. Alot. I'm scared of losing my individuality. I'm scared of being played with again.

I think I deserve someone. I don't know. I can be mean at times. But think of all those mean people who do have someone. I'm usually nice. Why can't I find the one I want? I'm not being picky. I just haven't met him yet.

Journeyman.

"A journeyman is a tradesman or craftsman who may well have completed an apprenticeship but is not yet able to set up their own workshop as a master. In parts of Europe, as in later medieval Germany, spending time as a journeyman (Geselle), moving from one town to another to gain experience of different workshops, was an important part of the training of an aspirant master." -Definition taken from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

I realized today that I've become a Journeyman in my craft. Hah, that sounds kind of Medieval, but it's true. For a long while, I haven't been able to find any new sources of information. It's all the same stuff, stuff that I already know. And lately, I've been creating my own. Casting circles randomly, praying to the Goddess. It's a very new experience. But it all came naturally. I didn't take a definate choice, I just thought and did it. I've been more at peace with myself lately as well. It's all good. Faith really does help. I'm going to try and change my eye color. As soon as I'm allowed to drive on the freeway, I'm going up to Montrose to visit the Magick Cauldron. There, I'll buy something to celebrate my new rank. I'm happy.

What's wrong with people?

Do they enjoy hurting people that much? Or are they just that insecure? But what's so threatening about me? The only thing I can think of is that two of these people are insecure about their sexuality, but that's it. Maybe that's enough.

It's not just me. This group of people is rude to everyone. Even eachother. I can see the power struggles, favoritism, and the fawning over their leader. It bothers me so much. And the allies I thought I had aren't really allies. They're either in between or on the other side. I'm being over dramatic, but I cried near the end of rehearsal today. One girl verbally attacked me, and it was so sudden and rude. I never even talk to her, but she's a lackey. Plus the other three were just rude and immature and unfocused. I know it's silly to want everyone to be on my side[like there's sides anyway], but I can't help but feel all alone. The one person who is stronger then me in this is an alternate, and I wish so dearly that she was back there with us. I love her, and she helps me so much.

I'm considering quitting. If we advance, then I'll think about it, but if we don't advance, then things will probably get better. We'll see what happens tomorrow

Too Sensitive.

Someone told me that I take things too personally. Which is true, on occasion. But someone has been pretty rude to me for a while, and apparently she thinks I'm too sensitive. Which is kind of silly, because I can handle being called a fag by an asshole, but now I'm sensitive because my friend surreptiously tells me that she hates me? Excuse me, how do I have no backbone? This coming from the guy who can't even come out of the closet. There is teasing, and then there is rude, and some people need to learn that rudeness has no excuse. I learned that the hard way. I may tease, and I may cross the line, but at least I apoligize.

UIL is getting tense, Cy-Ridge is not being accomadating at all, and we had a fun rehearsal today. I have to vent online, because no one wants to hear my bitching, and I can't say anything that will disrupt UIL. It bothers me, but whatever. When I explode with frustration, someone else can clean up the mess.

I'm a girl. Sometimes.

I was just thinking about that today. Marcus was asking why girls feel so strongly about things, and I realized I'm like that. I feel strongly about love, and emotions, and feelings. Sometimes I feel like a girl in a guy's body, but I'm more then that. I'm my own creation. I'm not given over entirely to girlyness. Most people are surprised to find out that I'm gay. Some don't believe me. There's a part of me that could hold a girl, if I was forced to, but I'd much rather be held by a guy, if that makes sense. I could possibly be bi, but I like guys. Besides, pussies are kind of gross. And I hate when boobies rub up against me. I'd much rather have a daughter then a girlfriend. Maybe that's the part of me that wishes I was a girl. I think life might be easier that way, but I'm happy the way I am. A man. Plus I don't want to PMS.

Happy Ostara!

Today is the Spring Equinox. Today day and night are equal, unlike everyone's emotions. Staying cooped up today was a bad decision, it's best to get outside because Spring is here. Get outside, sit on the grass, take a walk. Let Nature fill you and calm you. I'm not particularly in love with Nature, but even if you don't plant a tree or plant to celebrate, it's good to get outside. Sit under the stars and meditate, or if that's not your bag, just sit and think. They're almost the same thing. I guarantee you'll feel better.

I got my licence today. School was bad, rehearsal was hot, but as soon as I got outside I cheered up. I took a long and emotional walk with Lu to celebrate Ostara. Someone had planted a tree, and the smell of fresh dirt seems like a good omen. I'm content.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. Rehearsal was crap, as usual, but we might get to go to the Children's Museum on Thursday. Cross your fingers! We're definitley getting out of school on Friday though.

My parents talked to Daniel and I about car insurance. It's going to double when we get insured, so Daniel and I will have to chip in to help pay for it, which really isn't such a big deal. My parents make it out to be bigger then it really is, but it's not that bad. Sure Daniel and I will have to chip in alot, which we don't have right now, but work is gonna pick up soo. Next month I'm gonna be teaching lessons on sundays, so it's all good.

So, today at Starbucks with Elizabeth and Vicki. We happened to be there when a certain drum major and his band study group was there. He kept looking over at us, but we couldn't decide if it was because of a: I used to have a crush on him, b: Elizabeth and him used to be cool friends and he's never really seen her loud before, or c: We/I were/was molesting Vicki, heh. It was very interesting and we debated it in the car afterwards. I really like Vicki and Elizabeth, they're so easy to talk to and geniunely nice people.

About the person I said I liked. I don't know anymore. Maybe I thought I liked him because he's the first really hot guy to have maybed liked me, and maybe I just thought too fast or something. Anyways, he's really fun to talk to and I'm gonna just see what happens. I hope something happens. I hear he's a bad kisser though. Not like I have much to compare it to anyways.

I recently read a book by Christopher Rice, called A Density of Souls. It's one of the best books I've read in a really long time, if not ever. It made me cry, twice I think, which means that it must be good. Kayla's reading my copy, and then my dad gets it, but if you want it after that I'd be happy to lend it to you.

Anyways, that's just about it. I'm in a good mood right now. ^_^