So, this is why I'm hesitant to talk about my beliefs.

So, I had a talk with the guy just now, and we discussed, or more he told me his views on his beliefs. I didn't want to tell him about mine, because I can see where it would go. He would tell me that I'm wrong, and it's this way. See, I know because I've been arguing this since ninth grade.

In ninth grade, I was good friends with a strong Christian by the name of Lily. And every friday, on the band bus to the football games, Lily and I would argue about Christian theology. At the time I had only studied a little witchcraft, not becoming a witch until a little over two years later, but I still disagreed on alot of Christian ideas. I was agnostic, a good period of time for me, in which I learned alot about myself and spirituality. I would attempt to discuss some of these views with Lily, and at every attempt I would be faced with, "No. It's like this."

Tenth grade was relatively argument free, but Eleventh Grade wasn't. I was sort of dating-hanging out with this one guy, who had troubles with his sexuality, and was a fervent believer that Armageddon was going to come soon. The talk that I had tonight was almost word for word the ideas that had come from this eleventh grade guy.

Earlier today as well, I was talking to sympathetic people about a spell I had been asked to cast for someone. I immediately was told why I shouldn't do this spell, and how I would go about doing it if I was going to. This personally ticked me off, because these people were christians and I don't like people interefering with my spellwork, and I definitely don't like people interefering with my spirituality.

And people wonder why I'm hesitant to talk about my beliefs.

It's been a long time.

I've taken to writing everything in my journal now, so I seldom post anything online, unless I feel like being a blogger again. Oh and being emo too.

Last night I got home around 11 and I decided to take a walk with Lu, but I didn't leave till around 11:30. It was really nice with the fog every where, not at all creepy. I felt safe. And I cried. Not the sobbing, gasping kind, and not the silent, tears streaming down my face. This was earnest and heart-felt. I had also cried earlier in the car while I was waiting for Billy, but I sorta made myself that time because I was singing Bare, although this has to do with why I cried in the fog.

I talked out loud, because when I'm stressed it helps me to sort things through. And no matter what, all I came back to was that I... can't.. "Let go, no, I can't let go of you. You're holding me back without even trying to." And I would fade into song when the quotations came. Right now, while trying to think of what to type it happened again. I just.. I can't.. "I can't let go, I can't move off of the past. Without lifting a finger you're holding me back."

And I wondered. Maybe I don't like anyone this year, because I'm still stuck. Maybe when I'll actually be able to voice this story outloud to someone, someone who should hear it, maybe then I'll be released. Maybe I just can't let go, and never will.



Thanks for listening to my emoness.

Yay for a real American Thanksgiving.

Yep, it's that time again. Thanksgiving.

This year was definitely a special one. Like I said, it was our first real american one. We started fighting halfway through dinner. Ahah, it started stealthily, like a panther prowling through a star-lit jungle. Mom suggested a walk, to clear our tiredness, but Daniel was feeling kind of sick. So we went without him. The walk was non-eventful. However, the fighting really began when we got back. Ohoho.

I'm mainly just sick of hearing the same things over and over again. "Cy-fair is good for you, and it's cheap. We can pay for it with cash, it'll be good." Or "You're gonna have to walk next month. How many claims have you done? All you do is sit around and play computer. Oh Chrifu, you're such a good son." I'm not kidding about that last one. Apparently I'm much more caring then Daniel now, which is surprising, since he's always been the favored one. I have no doubt that the scales will soon tip in his favor again. It always does that, back and forth, back and forth. Daniel and I don't care. We know that our parents are crazy.

Anyways, I've just started tuning out things I don't care to hear. I find it makes life so much more pleasant.

Today was great. I had lots of positive energy throughout the day, rehearsal wasn't bad, I danced alot with Lynn before hand. I love dancing with her.

Pooped when I got home, but Kayla convinced me to come with to Wired to see Half Empty, and Callie one last time before she leaves. Although she may be back in two weeks. While I was at Wired, I realized that Coffee Houses have their own distinct, for lack of a better word, aura. Everything centrals around Starbucks(Home). Wired has an underground, water type of vibe; Java Juice is an airy candy shop; Java House(Original names people) is sort of earthy, very comfortable and feels kind of old. I haven't been to Java Jazz, but I'm guessing that might be somewhat firey. Notice my use of the four elements? Isn't that strange? Then Starbucks is home, and no where else can compare for me. Plus Starbucks in conjunction with Chipotle' is just a small slice of heaven. Thus, we have Coffee House Mysticism.

My astrology planner says I should throw a party, but I don't see that happening. But I have had lots of postive energy, unfortunately I don't see any 'love in the air'. Alex Keys says I need a relationship, and maybe I do. I'm happy that I have all you guys, but sometimes you feel a little alone. There's no one you can just hold on to, or kiss, or just be with. And I know I'll find someone, but I wish that someone would get here soon. Or at least send someone to take his place, if only for a little while. Send some love my way universe. Come on. I think I deserve it. Maybe.

Kayla and Michelle hate me.

It all started with homecoming. I wanted to go with my two best friends, like we did last year. It was a blast, we had so much fun. But then Alejandro asked Michelle to go with him, which I was fine with. And then Morgan invited us into his group for homecoming, whereupon I learned that Tyler and Meghan from the Fab five were going to be there. Not fine.

Is it that bad for me not to want to be around people who hate me?

So, I pulled Kayla aside and tried to discuss our plan of action. Were we going to go with them and stick it though? No. I am not willing to do something I don't want to do. That may sound selfish, but they made me cry alot last year. I felt physically nauseous just talking about that fiasco. Kayla wasn't offering anything, so I said that maybe she could go alone with them and I meet up with her later, or not go at all. She stormed off and didn't say a word to me. She wouldn't tell me why. Apparently she thought it was rude, which is bullshit. I said it in an open, nice way. I wasn't forcing it upon her, and I was expecting her to think of something. So of course, she goes to Michelle, and they tell everyone how rude and mean I was, and Morgan constantly asks me if I'm alright, which I'm not, but I lie and say yes.

What the fuck?

So after consulting with Ms. Seney tonight, I decided to apoligize and let my feelings be known to Kayla. Which I did. When I asked if everything was okay, she said no, and totally made me feel like the bad guy. Which I'm not! I thought that my best friends would be able to understand that I don't want to be around bitches who hate me. Is that so wrong of me? I guess it is.

Come what may.

It's been a while. Rehearsal is grueling, but I think the finished product will be worth it. It's hard to find time to do me things, what with the show and work and all, but I'm managing.

I want someone. I want someone to hold me. But I know that high school will not be the time when I find him, so right now, I don't want anyone. I don't want romance, I don't want love, I don't want crushes, I don't want heartbreaks. So please don't talk to me about it.

I feel really dumb. I feel really dumb about alot of things. But that's what high school is for, to get these dumb mistakes out of the way before we enter the real world. Hopefully, heh.

Sometimes I find myself desperately wanting to smoke, and that scares me. I don't care about lung cancer, but I'm scared of being addicted, of losing myself to something silly.

I want to cry. I feel like crying. Not because I'm sad, I'm not. These past few weeks have been stressful.

I don't hate you, but you need to understand where I'm coming from. I don't understand most of the things you do. Normal people would stop after a while, but you keep trying. And it's flattering, but it's also weird.

I would appreciate it if you would stop flirting with me. I'm sorry I don't like you like that, but I've never particularly liked you all that much. I'm glad you've gotten much better this year, and I've actually started liking you as a friend. But that's it.

I hope we'll get to know each other and be friends, but I don't want to pursue anything for a long time. I know you'll understand, because you're cool like that.

And you. I apoligize. I don't know what came over me. I guess it was just the shock of actually liking someone who liked me back. I saw you twice over the summer, but I don't know if you ever saw me. I hope you've forgotten about me. I hope you've moved on. I will never forget you, but if that's good or bad, I don't know yet.

That's what I get, I guess, for living a magicked life.

Whatever.

Hello viewers. It's been a while.

Last time you tuned in I was waiting for the weekend. I had thought I would've been able to use this weekend to catch up on my school work and such. Little did we know, that I was to recieve no real time in order to complete any work.

The house is messy, I haven't done any homework, and I have little money in my bank account. I'm tired, and sore, and physically and mentally pooped out. I just ran around trying to get my mom's birthday stuff together, without any help from my brother. I had to use effing glue to wrap her present, because we don't have tape.

I'm ready for Dames at Sea to be over. I am just so tired of all the work we don't do, all the time we don't put to good use, and all the resources that don't get managed well, mainly time and human energy.

I was talking to Morgan today about last year's UIL, and it made me feel physically nauseous. Near the end of the show, I was feeling so disliked and unwanted and hated. I almost started crying in the shop.

I hate how stupid people can be. I hate how everyone says I'm really nice, but the only reason I'm nice is because I don't want to be one of those drama bitches. I hate feeling conflicted about telling people what to do, because I am not one of the veterans of theatre. I hate how I never know which way to spell theater.

I need to go to sleep, but I've got stuff to do.

Whatever.