Cosmic Brownies.

I've definitely been very nostalgic these past couple days. I suppose it's due to the fact that I graduated. I've been thinking and discussing the past alot, especially elementary and middle school. Not on purpose or anything, it's just been coming up randomly.

Like Everquest. I can't believe I'm getting back into Everquest. I used to live for that game. It made me so freakin' happy.

I just feel so adult now. And it's not bad, but it's not great. And now I'm going to college. And soon I'll be moving out. Probably sooner than later, at the rate the home life is going down the toilet. My parents threatened to basically kick Daniel and me out, because we weren't pulling our share around the house. I passed the message on to Daniel, and he didn't even care. I'm scared. I know they wouldn't ever make me leave, but they really don't have to take care of me anymore. They could kick me out if they wanted to. They wouldn't, but still.

How can I be an adult if I'm still so childish?

How do we balance on this tight rope of life?

[That is way to cliche'. Gross.]

What makes a leader? Pt. 4

Courage. A leader must have courage.

That's not to say that a leader can't be scared. I'm scared. But I need to have the courage to face my fears. Fuck fuck fuck, though.

Why is it so fucking hard to be brave? Why is it so hard to overstep the fear, and do it!? I still haven't apoligised. And I guess I need to. But goddamit, it's so hard. If I am going to do it, I need to do it in person and as soon as possible.

And this thing tomorrow. What if my worst fear happens? I need Yma with me there tomorrow.

I just thought about what Hannah said at graduation today. If we are satisfied with who we are, and don't strive to be more, then we're not living at all. We need to strive forward and become better people. Become leaders.

This will make me a better person in the end. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

What makes a leader? Pt. 3

"Sorry is the hardest word."

I read that somewhere. Sorry is the hardest thing to say. To admit that you fucked up. It's not just admitting that you did the wrong thing. It's admitting that maybe you didn't do enough. And, a leader needs to be able to admit his faults. To be big enough to stand and say, "I'm sorry. It's my fault."

And I feel like it is. Maybe not everything, but I truly feel that if maybe I had done something more, or even something else things would've turned out different.

[I wish my music shuffle was more tuned to my feelings, and would play despondent, pensive songs.]

But as I look back, I realize that this isn't just this one occasion. I do mess up. I do make people upset. I do hurt feelings. And I feel like some people may think that those feelings don't matter, but I still have this urge to be nice. Is that a bad thing? Am I too naive? I'm told that I say 'sorry' too much, so much that it comes out insincere. And I'm sorry that it does, hah. But, I am sorry for the way things happen. I suppose I just have an apologetic nature.

The Penalty, or The Price.
But still, in the back of my mind,
I hate being so kind.
I will not give in, but I can't help feeling pinned.

I wrote that over a year ago, and yet it still applies to me now.

To continue with the essay, a super hero needs to be able to admit his or her mistakes. What if he was in the wrong place at the wrong time? If he ran, when he should've flown? If he acted, when he should've thought? He needs to be able to stand and say, "I'm sorry."

What makes a leader? Pt. 2

Work ethic. A leader has to have work ethic. Katherine could be a leader, because she works so much. But, she kind of guilts people into working. That's still getting people to work though. If a leader can't get their followers to work together, then how is anything going to get done? If a leader doesn't set the example and work, then who will?

As a super hero, there isn't really a call to get people to work together, I think. But the super hero must work tirelessly to protect and serve. Hmm.

What makes a leader? Pt 1.

I think one quality a leader has, is the ability to listen. His/her followers need to be able to talk to their leader. And the leader needs to listen to them, whether it's mundane or serious.

I'm going to be a leader. I feel it. It's strange, I've never felt this kind of tug before.

A hero.

There are days..

There are rare days when I wish I could disappear. Just move away and never make contact again. I wonder what people would say? What would they think?

I would like to have that kind of freedom. The freedom to pack a bag and drive off. To start a fresh new life in a new place. What would that be like?I'm going to do it one day.

I'm going to pack my bag in the middle of the night, and disappear. That'll be fun. I can imagine it now.

One night, a night like tonight or last night. Restless. Moody. Of course I have to be living on my own, because I'll never lose my family. I'll grab a bag, pack some clothes, and drive. Doesn't have to be far. Just to a different city. Start over. That seems so inviting.

Why does it always have to come down to you leaving, before I say I love you?
Why do I always use the words that cut the deepest? When I know how much it hurts you.Oh baby, why? Do I do that to you?

Artsy blog tonight. Sigh.

March 13th.

I love myself. And yet, I know that self-importance is one of my weaknesses. And yet, I know that I need to be somewhat more secure of my talents and skills. And yet, I'm scared of myself, and that maybe my fateful predictions can change things. What if they don't change things, but just predict them? I do believe in pre-ordained occurences. Pisces, snake, oracle. You are a mysterious one.