Uninvited.

It's not that I'm feeling left out or anything. I'm just missing it. Zombie Prom rehearsal started today, a few minutes ago, and I really wanna go. But I can't. I mean, I could, but it would be bad. I'm supposed to be done with highschool. And I am! But not with high school theatre. Which is understandable, considering that I was well-liked there and I was pretty much guaranteed roles in shows. And I'm going to a bigger place, with stronger actors, and of course I'm worried. 'Sigh'

Of course, add that to the fact that a parent was telling me how to teach their kid today, and the fact that they were right. It just totally showed me that swim lessons aren't for me. And, of course, my horoscope: "On August 6, your ruling planet Jupiter turns direct after four months of backward movement." All summer I've been hating work. "This forward shift in your 10th House of Career and Community is likely to expand your understanding of your role in society and even lead to new professional opportunities." When I read this my jaw dropped. So I'm learning more about my role in society, but where does that place me on the job market? I don't know.

"But this is not allowed.
You're uninvited,
An unfortunate slight."

So..

I really hate work. And like, I know it's a great job, with great pay, but that's all besides the point. I really don't like to work. It's something genetic, like my brown hair or my homosexuality[hah, notice how I threw in a controversial subject]. The Laziness is sunken deep down in my DNA strands. I think I just need to find a guy who can keep me, maybe a Capricorn or Taurus. Yeah, that's great. I've found another way to lower my already shallow dating pool. That's actually my dream. I haven't told many people about it. I'm going to meet a nice Harvard law school grad, that is taller than me, slim, dark-haired, and named Chad. We'll live together in New York. We'll get up in the morning, I'll make breakfast[waffles and coffee for him/tea for me], which I'll then take back to bed. He'll grab a waffle, kiss me goodbye, and make his way to work. I'll spend the morning perusing a script/practicing a new song/writing. On good days, he'll surprise me at lunch time and we'll have sex. In the evenings we'll meet up and catch a show, or just spend it at home by the fireplace, cuddling.

That's the basic set, and from there it can other places. I may be a part of the Country cover band the Brokeback Boys. Or I'll be on Broadway performing as Peter in Bare: A Pop Opera, and when Chad sees me he'll get secretly jealous of the actor playing Jason, and fiercely make love to me that night. Or I'll teach classes in Philosophy, Theology, or Theatre at NYU.

God, I miss blogging.

Cosmic Brownies.

I've definitely been very nostalgic these past couple days. I suppose it's due to the fact that I graduated. I've been thinking and discussing the past alot, especially elementary and middle school. Not on purpose or anything, it's just been coming up randomly.

Like Everquest. I can't believe I'm getting back into Everquest. I used to live for that game. It made me so freakin' happy.

I just feel so adult now. And it's not bad, but it's not great. And now I'm going to college. And soon I'll be moving out. Probably sooner than later, at the rate the home life is going down the toilet. My parents threatened to basically kick Daniel and me out, because we weren't pulling our share around the house. I passed the message on to Daniel, and he didn't even care. I'm scared. I know they wouldn't ever make me leave, but they really don't have to take care of me anymore. They could kick me out if they wanted to. They wouldn't, but still.

How can I be an adult if I'm still so childish?

How do we balance on this tight rope of life?

[That is way to cliche'. Gross.]

What makes a leader? Pt. 4

Courage. A leader must have courage.

That's not to say that a leader can't be scared. I'm scared. But I need to have the courage to face my fears. Fuck fuck fuck, though.

Why is it so fucking hard to be brave? Why is it so hard to overstep the fear, and do it!? I still haven't apoligised. And I guess I need to. But goddamit, it's so hard. If I am going to do it, I need to do it in person and as soon as possible.

And this thing tomorrow. What if my worst fear happens? I need Yma with me there tomorrow.

I just thought about what Hannah said at graduation today. If we are satisfied with who we are, and don't strive to be more, then we're not living at all. We need to strive forward and become better people. Become leaders.

This will make me a better person in the end. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

What makes a leader? Pt. 3

"Sorry is the hardest word."

I read that somewhere. Sorry is the hardest thing to say. To admit that you fucked up. It's not just admitting that you did the wrong thing. It's admitting that maybe you didn't do enough. And, a leader needs to be able to admit his faults. To be big enough to stand and say, "I'm sorry. It's my fault."

And I feel like it is. Maybe not everything, but I truly feel that if maybe I had done something more, or even something else things would've turned out different.

[I wish my music shuffle was more tuned to my feelings, and would play despondent, pensive songs.]

But as I look back, I realize that this isn't just this one occasion. I do mess up. I do make people upset. I do hurt feelings. And I feel like some people may think that those feelings don't matter, but I still have this urge to be nice. Is that a bad thing? Am I too naive? I'm told that I say 'sorry' too much, so much that it comes out insincere. And I'm sorry that it does, hah. But, I am sorry for the way things happen. I suppose I just have an apologetic nature.

The Penalty, or The Price.
But still, in the back of my mind,
I hate being so kind.
I will not give in, but I can't help feeling pinned.

I wrote that over a year ago, and yet it still applies to me now.

To continue with the essay, a super hero needs to be able to admit his or her mistakes. What if he was in the wrong place at the wrong time? If he ran, when he should've flown? If he acted, when he should've thought? He needs to be able to stand and say, "I'm sorry."

What makes a leader? Pt. 2

Work ethic. A leader has to have work ethic. Katherine could be a leader, because she works so much. But, she kind of guilts people into working. That's still getting people to work though. If a leader can't get their followers to work together, then how is anything going to get done? If a leader doesn't set the example and work, then who will?

As a super hero, there isn't really a call to get people to work together, I think. But the super hero must work tirelessly to protect and serve. Hmm.

What makes a leader? Pt 1.

I think one quality a leader has, is the ability to listen. His/her followers need to be able to talk to their leader. And the leader needs to listen to them, whether it's mundane or serious.

I'm going to be a leader. I feel it. It's strange, I've never felt this kind of tug before.

A hero.