Why can't someone just steal my heart back from him?
It's been almost two years. I've liked him for so long, and I have no idea what he feels about me now. I guess I kind of deserve it. I cut him completely from my life, that he might be hurt. And it wasn't completely his fault that I got hurt so bad. But, still. You'd think that I might've moved on by now. But it's so hard. I wish I could just sit down with him and discuss it. But I don't think I'd hear anything new or important. He's a capricorn, I'm a pisces. I just feel so much stronger than he does. What sucks the most is that no one has come along to make me forget him. No one has come alone to take back that piece of my heart. Or to give me some of theirs.
Maybe that's what it is. Maybe we each just give and recieve pieces of hearts, to fill the holes and the cracks that are in our own. I gave him a piece of mine, and I still haven't recieved one back. Maybe that's why we go through life. To mix and match hearts, so that we're fully grown and mature souls. We trade pieces, to find a way to connect us all.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
My week on the island.
This is my last night on the island, and it's been a very nice week.
Friday morning I went to Cy-fair to pick up my student ID, my stomach was hurting. I also called my boss Dave to tell him that I wasn't coming in, because I was quitting. Later he called to tell me that I needed to find coverage or I'd be fired instead of quitting. Eh, I don't care. I wanted to do it the right way, go the two weeks, get a nice recommendation, but my parents convinced me not to. They held up a 2,200 dollar car fixing over my head, what can I say? Than we left, and drove for about an hour and a half. We passed a burning car on the way.
Saturday was nice. I slept in late. Daniel and I are sharing a room with two sets of bunk beds, so we each get two beds to ourselves. Lulu also seems to like this room alot, and she sleeps on the floor between us. We went to the beach. I flew a kite. Than my dad barbequed for dinner.
Sunday was also nice. Basically the same thing. Wake up, eat lunch, beach, eat dinner. We went into town, and I got a seagull kite from Academy.
Most everyone in our area left after the weekend, and we had the beach to ourselves on
Monday. The seagull kite was hard to fly.
Tuesday we went into town for an early lunch. Julia, Ollie, and Mom went to Moody Gardens, and Daniel, Dad, and I saw Superbad. It was pretty much what I expected. Stupid laughs. I still enjoyed it. Oddly enough, the movie theatre was playing musicals with the regular music. It was odd. That night we had a bonfire on the beach. I roasted a bratwurst, and had burnt marshmallows. I love burnt marshmallows. As I looked up at the clear stars, all I could think of was the vast empty space that it really was, and I realized that I would probably never leave Earth, even if I was given the chance.
We hung out on Wednesday, than went to Schlitterbahn around 2:30. You get in cheaper at 3, since it closes at 6. On the way in I saw Chelsea from Seussical. It was totally unexpected, and a little awkward. Of course, this world is so small.
Today was nice. We went to the beach after lunch, which had huge waves. The tide was very high.
We should be leaving around 10 tomorrow.
It's been nice, a great chance to bond with my family. But I'll stll be glad to be home.
Friday morning I went to Cy-fair to pick up my student ID, my stomach was hurting. I also called my boss Dave to tell him that I wasn't coming in, because I was quitting. Later he called to tell me that I needed to find coverage or I'd be fired instead of quitting. Eh, I don't care. I wanted to do it the right way, go the two weeks, get a nice recommendation, but my parents convinced me not to. They held up a 2,200 dollar car fixing over my head, what can I say? Than we left, and drove for about an hour and a half. We passed a burning car on the way.
Saturday was nice. I slept in late. Daniel and I are sharing a room with two sets of bunk beds, so we each get two beds to ourselves. Lulu also seems to like this room alot, and she sleeps on the floor between us. We went to the beach. I flew a kite. Than my dad barbequed for dinner.
Sunday was also nice. Basically the same thing. Wake up, eat lunch, beach, eat dinner. We went into town, and I got a seagull kite from Academy.
Most everyone in our area left after the weekend, and we had the beach to ourselves on
Monday. The seagull kite was hard to fly.
Tuesday we went into town for an early lunch. Julia, Ollie, and Mom went to Moody Gardens, and Daniel, Dad, and I saw Superbad. It was pretty much what I expected. Stupid laughs. I still enjoyed it. Oddly enough, the movie theatre was playing musicals with the regular music. It was odd. That night we had a bonfire on the beach. I roasted a bratwurst, and had burnt marshmallows. I love burnt marshmallows. As I looked up at the clear stars, all I could think of was the vast empty space that it really was, and I realized that I would probably never leave Earth, even if I was given the chance.
We hung out on Wednesday, than went to Schlitterbahn around 2:30. You get in cheaper at 3, since it closes at 6. On the way in I saw Chelsea from Seussical. It was totally unexpected, and a little awkward. Of course, this world is so small.
Today was nice. We went to the beach after lunch, which had huge waves. The tide was very high.
We should be leaving around 10 tomorrow.
It's been nice, a great chance to bond with my family. But I'll stll be glad to be home.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Today's philosophy.
Today's philosophy is drawn from the ongoing struggle between Chaos and Order.
I was lifeguarding on the corner, just standing and watching the pool, when a little boy wih highlights approaches me. "Look what I did." He said, and pointed to the ropes. All the bouys on the rope were facing the same direction and were evenly spaced apart. I nodded approvingly, and he went on his business. Five minutes later, I return my attention to the rope in front of me and I see a little mexican girl moving the bouys around, purposely taunting the boys who had organized them. In a matter of seconds, it was was a battle. The girl and her male cohort would swim around the ropes messing with the bouys, while the three boys would either cry or get mad and try to fix them. Eventually I had to step in and say, "Hey, stop playing with the ropes!" The little boy who had originally approached me came back, almost crying. "Thank you." He said, and I almost laughed.
Basically, the metaphor is that no matter how much order is put down, chaos will come back and mess things up. It just all depends on what you like better.
I was lifeguarding on the corner, just standing and watching the pool, when a little boy wih highlights approaches me. "Look what I did." He said, and pointed to the ropes. All the bouys on the rope were facing the same direction and were evenly spaced apart. I nodded approvingly, and he went on his business. Five minutes later, I return my attention to the rope in front of me and I see a little mexican girl moving the bouys around, purposely taunting the boys who had organized them. In a matter of seconds, it was was a battle. The girl and her male cohort would swim around the ropes messing with the bouys, while the three boys would either cry or get mad and try to fix them. Eventually I had to step in and say, "Hey, stop playing with the ropes!" The little boy who had originally approached me came back, almost crying. "Thank you." He said, and I almost laughed.
Basically, the metaphor is that no matter how much order is put down, chaos will come back and mess things up. It just all depends on what you like better.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Uninvited.
It's not that I'm feeling left out or anything. I'm just missing it. Zombie Prom rehearsal started today, a few minutes ago, and I really wanna go. But I can't. I mean, I could, but it would be bad. I'm supposed to be done with highschool. And I am! But not with high school theatre. Which is understandable, considering that I was well-liked there and I was pretty much guaranteed roles in shows. And I'm going to a bigger place, with stronger actors, and of course I'm worried. 'Sigh'
Of course, add that to the fact that a parent was telling me how to teach their kid today, and the fact that they were right. It just totally showed me that swim lessons aren't for me. And, of course, my horoscope: "On August 6, your ruling planet Jupiter turns direct after four months of backward movement." All summer I've been hating work. "This forward shift in your 10th House of Career and Community is likely to expand your understanding of your role in society and even lead to new professional opportunities." When I read this my jaw dropped. So I'm learning more about my role in society, but where does that place me on the job market? I don't know.
"But this is not allowed.
You're uninvited,
An unfortunate slight."
Of course, add that to the fact that a parent was telling me how to teach their kid today, and the fact that they were right. It just totally showed me that swim lessons aren't for me. And, of course, my horoscope: "On August 6, your ruling planet Jupiter turns direct after four months of backward movement." All summer I've been hating work. "This forward shift in your 10th House of Career and Community is likely to expand your understanding of your role in society and even lead to new professional opportunities." When I read this my jaw dropped. So I'm learning more about my role in society, but where does that place me on the job market? I don't know.
"But this is not allowed.
You're uninvited,
An unfortunate slight."
So..
I really hate work. And like, I know it's a great job, with great pay, but that's all besides the point. I really don't like to work. It's something genetic, like my brown hair or my homosexuality[hah, notice how I threw in a controversial subject]. The Laziness is sunken deep down in my DNA strands. I think I just need to find a guy who can keep me, maybe a Capricorn or Taurus. Yeah, that's great. I've found another way to lower my already shallow dating pool. That's actually my dream. I haven't told many people about it. I'm going to meet a nice Harvard law school grad, that is taller than me, slim, dark-haired, and named Chad. We'll live together in New York. We'll get up in the morning, I'll make breakfast[waffles and coffee for him/tea for me], which I'll then take back to bed. He'll grab a waffle, kiss me goodbye, and make his way to work. I'll spend the morning perusing a script/practicing a new song/writing. On good days, he'll surprise me at lunch time and we'll have sex. In the evenings we'll meet up and catch a show, or just spend it at home by the fireplace, cuddling.
That's the basic set, and from there it can other places. I may be a part of the Country cover band the Brokeback Boys. Or I'll be on Broadway performing as Peter in Bare: A Pop Opera, and when Chad sees me he'll get secretly jealous of the actor playing Jason, and fiercely make love to me that night. Or I'll teach classes in Philosophy, Theology, or Theatre at NYU.
God, I miss blogging.
That's the basic set, and from there it can other places. I may be a part of the Country cover band the Brokeback Boys. Or I'll be on Broadway performing as Peter in Bare: A Pop Opera, and when Chad sees me he'll get secretly jealous of the actor playing Jason, and fiercely make love to me that night. Or I'll teach classes in Philosophy, Theology, or Theatre at NYU.
God, I miss blogging.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Cosmic Brownies.
I've definitely been very nostalgic these past couple days. I suppose it's due to the fact that I graduated. I've been thinking and discussing the past alot, especially elementary and middle school. Not on purpose or anything, it's just been coming up randomly.
Like Everquest. I can't believe I'm getting back into Everquest. I used to live for that game. It made me so freakin' happy.
I just feel so adult now. And it's not bad, but it's not great. And now I'm going to college. And soon I'll be moving out. Probably sooner than later, at the rate the home life is going down the toilet. My parents threatened to basically kick Daniel and me out, because we weren't pulling our share around the house. I passed the message on to Daniel, and he didn't even care. I'm scared. I know they wouldn't ever make me leave, but they really don't have to take care of me anymore. They could kick me out if they wanted to. They wouldn't, but still.
How can I be an adult if I'm still so childish?
How do we balance on this tight rope of life?
[That is way to cliche'. Gross.]
Like Everquest. I can't believe I'm getting back into Everquest. I used to live for that game. It made me so freakin' happy.
I just feel so adult now. And it's not bad, but it's not great. And now I'm going to college. And soon I'll be moving out. Probably sooner than later, at the rate the home life is going down the toilet. My parents threatened to basically kick Daniel and me out, because we weren't pulling our share around the house. I passed the message on to Daniel, and he didn't even care. I'm scared. I know they wouldn't ever make me leave, but they really don't have to take care of me anymore. They could kick me out if they wanted to. They wouldn't, but still.
How can I be an adult if I'm still so childish?
How do we balance on this tight rope of life?
[That is way to cliche'. Gross.]
Sunday, May 27, 2007
What makes a leader? Pt. 4
Courage. A leader must have courage.
That's not to say that a leader can't be scared. I'm scared. But I need to have the courage to face my fears. Fuck fuck fuck, though.
Why is it so fucking hard to be brave? Why is it so hard to overstep the fear, and do it!? I still haven't apoligised. And I guess I need to. But goddamit, it's so hard. If I am going to do it, I need to do it in person and as soon as possible.
And this thing tomorrow. What if my worst fear happens? I need Yma with me there tomorrow.
I just thought about what Hannah said at graduation today. If we are satisfied with who we are, and don't strive to be more, then we're not living at all. We need to strive forward and become better people. Become leaders.
This will make me a better person in the end. I just wish it wasn't so hard.
That's not to say that a leader can't be scared. I'm scared. But I need to have the courage to face my fears. Fuck fuck fuck, though.
Why is it so fucking hard to be brave? Why is it so hard to overstep the fear, and do it!? I still haven't apoligised. And I guess I need to. But goddamit, it's so hard. If I am going to do it, I need to do it in person and as soon as possible.
And this thing tomorrow. What if my worst fear happens? I need Yma with me there tomorrow.
I just thought about what Hannah said at graduation today. If we are satisfied with who we are, and don't strive to be more, then we're not living at all. We need to strive forward and become better people. Become leaders.
This will make me a better person in the end. I just wish it wasn't so hard.
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