Unemployed?

I'm not technically unemployed. I still do all that insurance claim work for my mom. But that's definitely not bringing in the money. So, I'm thinking about getting a job on the side. Strictly part time, weekends, maybe a couple nights a week. First on my list is Studio Movie Grill, which might be cool. I know several people that work there, and while the pay isn't high, it doesn't seem to be that tough. Now, that's just my naive outside view, so feel free to correct me if you work or have worked there. Plus, Lynashley and I agreed that we would do it together, if at all.

It just feels like a step down. I made seven something at the Y, and it was pretty easy. My boss was a pain, and the hours were tough, but I made near 500 every two weeks. The pay now would be lower since it's the off season, but it'd still be seven something.
But, Chelsea's right. It's a different field. It's entertainment, people pleasing. So it's not bad.

I can't help feeling that it's a class difference, but that's completely retarded. It's my stupid parents. My dad doesn't care, but my mom definitely will. Her parents were raised by Nazis. And that's not a metaphor.

Still, all this thinking has done a good thing and made me reach out to Whitney, whom I will hopefully be hanging out with tonight. Yay!

You're right Faraz.

I just need too rebound from this slump. I just need to find my own Ryan, someone I can just make out with, and mess around with, and be cool with that. I need to start dating. Seriously. It's vitally important to my mental and emotional health that I start dating soon. But how? How the fuck can I find guys to date? The internet? Hah! Yeah right. But maybe that is how I can find guys. Damn.

Just for the record, this beautiful day turned into a hot shine-down.

It's a love/hate thing.

I love when I see people from highschool, but I hate it when they see me.

Wow, my english teacher was fairly rude at the beginning of class today. Hah, when I walked in Mini-dawson was talking about her, and I loved it because class-mates were agreeing with him, which lets me know I'm not alone. He was talking about how it was hard for him to write the essay, because when everything he tried to share in class, she metaphorically told him he was wrong. Then as another guy was going to say something, she walked in.

Oh gawd, I just realized I used 'wow' and 'hah' in my previous paragraph. I don't know if that's good or bad.

There's this guy in the library, everytime I come in after English. I've never seen him before this year. But he's got really cute dirty blonde hair, and mutton chops. Not full on really, just long long sideburns. Anyway, everytime I come into the library, he's playing Super Mario 64 on his laptop. I really just want to go up to him and say, "Hey, sweet game." or something like, "Hey, I love Super Mario 64." But it's weird. What it also weird is that I subconsciously chose a computer on the second floor where I could see him on the first floor. He sits pretzel-style on his chair, which reminds me of Zach Schulte and his weird way of sitting, which reminds me of Hannah and her taste in awkward, artsy boys. Which sort of means I have a taste in awkward, artsy boys. And who wouldn't? Maybe Lynashley, or Morgan, or Faraz. Although, Lynashley, Faraz and I share the same taste in manly men. But then, I'm sure Faraz and Morgan share the same taste in twinky guys. What I wanted to say, was that I'm sure I would like Yma's Joseph, if he's this kind of awkward, artsy guy I'm thinking of.

Hahaha! What if I post this, and the cute guy reads it for some random reason. And he realizes that he's the guy. And he looks up and sees me looking at him. That would be bad!

Today is a beautiful day. I'll touch on that later.

I went all week without blogging.

I need to keep up. I can't stop this year. Or ever again.

Not always, but alot of times during school, or when I'm hanging out, bloggish thoughts will enter my head, and I'll feel like typing them up right away. It's odd, but I like it.

What sucks is that I can't think of anything to write right now. And I don't feel like posting this on three other sites.

Ooh, there's a cute guy from my class in the library.

My english teacher isn't that dumb.

Although she's kind of rude.

Mayby she's just getting frustrated?

I tried to make it easier by speaking up, but I felt like she treated my answer like it was wrong. You're the wrong one, lady. Luckily, two classmates supported me. I thought that was nice.
I'm right though. The speaker in Frost's 'Mending Wall' isn't looking to change the tradition of the reparing the wall each spring. He's merely providing a commentary on his thoughts and views while building it. He may or may not approve of the wall, but he likes the tradition of going out each spring and mending it. It's also a time for the neighbors to 'mend' their relationship, as stupid as that sounds.

Chrfwzrd: I'm alot like you, only I hide it better.
Vickiooos: ?
Chrfwzrd: Goodnight.
Vickiooos: lol wtf

This odd feeling.

Do you ever get that odd feeling of numbness? Actually, I wouldn't really call it numbness. More like an overwhelming of feeling.

I look at something. It gives me this odd feeling. I sit in my chair, looking at this thing. I give it a good few minutes before the feelings almost overwhelm me. Then I say, "Okay, enough. Don't do this to yourself anymore." So I stop.

But it's not until I stop looking at this thing that I realize that the feeling was so overwhelming. When I stop looking, the hairs on my arms and head all stand up. I start shivering. And a knot gathers in my throat. I unconsciously push back the tears.

I want to cry. But I rarely do. It must be a guy thing.

Party politics.

It's my mom's birthday party, and outdoor swimming/grilling/ping-ponging get together with her school friends who have never met us before, but know almost everything about us. My father and his work, staying at home all day. Daniel and his VW bus, his State ring from the football team he barely played on. Julia, her middle school drama, swimming and volleyball. Ollie and his near OCD status, which I feel like no one but me will actually recognize. Me and my gayness. My paganism. My theatre. And even our friends. Daniel and his friend named Anus. Me and Yma, the bald girl.
Needless to say, I don't feel too comfortable.
Needless to say, I don't necessarily want to be here.

The women sit in or by the pool, chatting away, while they force their family and husbands to mingle with eachother. Awkwardly. For a whole five minute, some dad and I watched Daniel and my dad play ping pong. This was after ten minutes of watching two other dads play ping pong. In near silence.

Of course, I'm over-dramatizing. But oh well. It's a lark.