Goodbye love.

Wow, when I left school I just got hit by a big wave of depression. I didn't have my bike, because my mom drove me because it was so cold, so I had to walk home.. Auditions were so bad, Reynolds delayed callbacks till monday. I was hoping getting busy would cheer me up.

"Just came to say, goodbye love."

I have no idea why I'm so depressed. I guess I'm just tired. 16 weeks of school, gets you down, I guess. Plus work and Odd Couple in between, and personal problems. Only a week and a half more. Then a week later, we're gone for the Caymans. I'm cutting off all outside contact, and just relaxing. I'll buy some presents maybe. I plan on laying on the beach, or riding my bike around the island. Daniel and I talked about 'hitting the clubs'. I'll be glad just to forget everyone and everything for a week. I'm so tired and depressed right now. I don't know why.

"Hello disease."

I was walking towards the YMCA after work to turn in the keys. The light in the big mirrored aerobics room was on, and inside was a girl all alone. She was dancing, it looked sort of russian, but all I could tell was that it was beautiful. She was practicing in the mirror, and it looked really good.

It's odd how you can look into a random window and catch a small glimpse of someone elses life. I wish someone would look into mine and think that. I wonder if people do. I wonder if people see me at lunch, or reading at Barnes, and think that. I know I do, although maybe too often. For example, I was at Java House last sunday evening, and this young woman wearing a cool short white dress, with a very cool nose ring, sat down across from me. She was cool. And cool is very hard to come by these days.

I love those moments when you find a connection with someone you would never imagine you could find a connection with. Or you randomly bump into someone somewhere, and then talk forever.

Well, I'm done now. Spirit day tomorrow. Misha and Kayla made me a rainbow garter, I'm excited to see it.

I had a good day today. Free periods all day basically. Rehearsal was great and I got this kick ass belt at Wal-mart. The first item of clothing I've ever bought there.

Something this sophmore in my Chemistry class said to me really got to me. I wasn't mad or anything, but it's kind of depressing. "I'd like to be friends with you, but I can't because you're gay." I asked him why, and he said his parents won't let him. It's really sad how parents push their beliefs onto their children. I'm glad my parents have always been open, and willing to talk about anything and everything. While they made me go to church in my early years, I eventually chose a different route and they didn't seem to mind. I know my dad doesn't care that I'm gay, but I think my mom does. I'm sure she wants grandchildren, and can envision being a matriarch of a huge family. It is a little sad, and I hope Ollie doesn't turn out to be gay too. It's hard.

I was at Barnes and Noble, looking through the New Age section, and I saw a book promoting Satanism. Of course I picked it up and checked it out. I think it's extremely cool that we live in a country where you can freely promote your religion of choice. While I don't believe in Satan or hell, I'd like to read the book. Might be eye-opening.

Daniel has been real sick over the past week. He went to the doctor twice, and the hospital twice. Today he was admitted. He's diagnosed with bacterial meningitus. I know he's gonna be okay now, but I can't help think about what life would be like without him.

I'd probably get his stuff. I'd get my own car. I'd probably get a cat because my parents would want to cheer me up. I wouldn't have to worry about him, or what he thinks of me. I wouldn't have to live up to him so much. He wouldn't have to put up with my idiocies.

I'd be alone. I've been with him my whole life. It's hard too imagine him not there. I've always been able to talk to him about most stuff. I had every class with him up until seventh grade. I'd miss him terribly.

I don't want any calling me, or IMing me, telling me that he's gonna be okay. I know he is. I just needed to vent.

So apparently people think I'm gay from the moment they meet me. Weird stuff. I guess it's cool that no one asks me about it.

It's weird being out. For the past couple years, I've had to suppress my feelings. And now I wanna shout it out, but I don't know how. What I want is to be a good rolemodel for other closeted guys, so they can get the courage to realize that it's okay to be gay. I guess those are pretty high aspirations, but it shouldn't be too hard. Anyways, I gotta go to work soon.

I love waking up in the morning, with the sun shining through my curtains. I love how the hair on my arms has turned blonde. I love how tan I've gotten. I love having money.

Not much up today. I plan on not doing much either.

I recently learned how famous my dad is in the IBM world. I googled him and was amazed. Joey Bernal, if anyone's intrested.

Anyways, I gotta go. My family wants me to come outside and swim.

I've solved my Symphonic band going to Austria dillema. I'm quitting.

I've found something that is profoundly better than band. Besides I've always wanted to go to a football game as a normal person, lol.

Theatre has struck a chord in my soul, and I want to be submersed in it.

So I guess you could say I'm not quitting, I'm just changing majors.