Kayla and Michelle hate me.

It all started with homecoming. I wanted to go with my two best friends, like we did last year. It was a blast, we had so much fun. But then Alejandro asked Michelle to go with him, which I was fine with. And then Morgan invited us into his group for homecoming, whereupon I learned that Tyler and Meghan from the Fab five were going to be there. Not fine.

Is it that bad for me not to want to be around people who hate me?

So, I pulled Kayla aside and tried to discuss our plan of action. Were we going to go with them and stick it though? No. I am not willing to do something I don't want to do. That may sound selfish, but they made me cry alot last year. I felt physically nauseous just talking about that fiasco. Kayla wasn't offering anything, so I said that maybe she could go alone with them and I meet up with her later, or not go at all. She stormed off and didn't say a word to me. She wouldn't tell me why. Apparently she thought it was rude, which is bullshit. I said it in an open, nice way. I wasn't forcing it upon her, and I was expecting her to think of something. So of course, she goes to Michelle, and they tell everyone how rude and mean I was, and Morgan constantly asks me if I'm alright, which I'm not, but I lie and say yes.

What the fuck?

So after consulting with Ms. Seney tonight, I decided to apoligize and let my feelings be known to Kayla. Which I did. When I asked if everything was okay, she said no, and totally made me feel like the bad guy. Which I'm not! I thought that my best friends would be able to understand that I don't want to be around bitches who hate me. Is that so wrong of me? I guess it is.

Come what may.

It's been a while. Rehearsal is grueling, but I think the finished product will be worth it. It's hard to find time to do me things, what with the show and work and all, but I'm managing.

I want someone. I want someone to hold me. But I know that high school will not be the time when I find him, so right now, I don't want anyone. I don't want romance, I don't want love, I don't want crushes, I don't want heartbreaks. So please don't talk to me about it.

I feel really dumb. I feel really dumb about alot of things. But that's what high school is for, to get these dumb mistakes out of the way before we enter the real world. Hopefully, heh.

Sometimes I find myself desperately wanting to smoke, and that scares me. I don't care about lung cancer, but I'm scared of being addicted, of losing myself to something silly.

I want to cry. I feel like crying. Not because I'm sad, I'm not. These past few weeks have been stressful.

I don't hate you, but you need to understand where I'm coming from. I don't understand most of the things you do. Normal people would stop after a while, but you keep trying. And it's flattering, but it's also weird.

I would appreciate it if you would stop flirting with me. I'm sorry I don't like you like that, but I've never particularly liked you all that much. I'm glad you've gotten much better this year, and I've actually started liking you as a friend. But that's it.

I hope we'll get to know each other and be friends, but I don't want to pursue anything for a long time. I know you'll understand, because you're cool like that.

And you. I apoligize. I don't know what came over me. I guess it was just the shock of actually liking someone who liked me back. I saw you twice over the summer, but I don't know if you ever saw me. I hope you've forgotten about me. I hope you've moved on. I will never forget you, but if that's good or bad, I don't know yet.

That's what I get, I guess, for living a magicked life.

Whatever.

Hello viewers. It's been a while.

Last time you tuned in I was waiting for the weekend. I had thought I would've been able to use this weekend to catch up on my school work and such. Little did we know, that I was to recieve no real time in order to complete any work.

The house is messy, I haven't done any homework, and I have little money in my bank account. I'm tired, and sore, and physically and mentally pooped out. I just ran around trying to get my mom's birthday stuff together, without any help from my brother. I had to use effing glue to wrap her present, because we don't have tape.

I'm ready for Dames at Sea to be over. I am just so tired of all the work we don't do, all the time we don't put to good use, and all the resources that don't get managed well, mainly time and human energy.

I was talking to Morgan today about last year's UIL, and it made me feel physically nauseous. Near the end of the show, I was feeling so disliked and unwanted and hated. I almost started crying in the shop.

I hate how stupid people can be. I hate how everyone says I'm really nice, but the only reason I'm nice is because I don't want to be one of those drama bitches. I hate feeling conflicted about telling people what to do, because I am not one of the veterans of theatre. I hate how I never know which way to spell theater.

I need to go to sleep, but I've got stuff to do.

Whatever.

Wax philosophical.

You ever get that feeling that nobody is listening?
No one's listening.
I feel so helpless sometimes.
Like the world just passes me by, and there's nothing I can do about it.
One more day of summer.

I wish that I had gone on a date this summer. Maybe I didn't put myself out there enough. Or at all.

I've met great people, and I've had fun. But I'm always the minority. The gay one.

Maybe that's why I want GSA to be great. Maybe I don't want to be in the minority. But I know I will be. Even among them, I'm gonna be the gay guy who looks straight.

I guess that's good.

I think I'm gonna watch Rent tonight. I feel like crying. This was the first week that I've cried all summer, and it was so relieving.

The Penalty, or The Price
But still, in the back of my mind,
I hate being so kind.
I will not give in,
but I can't help feeling pinned.

Lucky.

I made it. I play the supporting male, Lucky. Now to describe the arduous path it took to get here.

I woke up at 2 on account of an anxiety attack. I felt out of control of my body, and that my blanket was trapping me, but part of my body as well. I couldn't sleep again till 4, and then I woke up at 7. I showered, hung around, then picked up Kayla and went to Auditions.

We sat around for an hour or so while we waited for people to find sheet music[Tory, bless her, brought all the sheet music for Dames at Sea], then began the tap learning. There weren't that many people, Godspell had so much more. It was alot of fun, I actually helped other people! Which sounds concieted, but I guess I learned quickly from Michelle earlier, plus band, and the fact that I knew the song by heart that we were dancing to helped alot. Then we sang, and I thought I did bad, I thought I was off-pitch. People told me I was great, but the same thing happened at Godspell, when I didn't even make call backs. Luckily, my number one fan Kayla was there, who recorded it on her camera. I watched it, and hey! I was good. I tapped for one final time as the final audition, then Kayla, Michelle, and I went to go see RV. It was okay.

Senior directs were okay. I did great as Hale, and our entire cast did good. Assassins was odd, but good, and Hamlet-15 was slightly immature and kind of unprofessional, but it was great and funny. We did Denny's afterwards.

I don't have to work tomorrow, because I've got a show. Honk starts at 12, Crucible at 1, Assassins at 2, and Hamlet at 3. It's only five bucks for all four shows, so come one, come all.

No Diving.

They added a new Entry Editor. It looks nice. [Which doesn't work, hah.]

This year went by so fast. It was just yesterday when I took my lifeguarding class, I left the bandhall for the last time, or I woke up with the sun shining through my curtains. I'm going to be a senior soon.

I can remember my first day of school. Mom herded Daniel and me into the line for our class outside, and our teacher Mrs. Brown led us in. I hid behind my brother as we went in. I remember learning the Alphabet, playing Math Blaster, learning multiplaction tables. I remember that everyone was amazed that I could read faster then our assistant teacher. I've always been able to read fast. I was the first person in that first grade class to get glasses.

Intermediate School: Fifth grade. Still with Daniel. I met my first real best friend, Kevin Florenzano. We felt like we had known eachother forever. I had my first crush, although I wasn't aware of it at the time. This kid that everyone liked, Tony.

Sixth grade in the McPherson Middle School, in Kansas. Oh god. Daniel and I had the same classes for a few months, and then in seventh grade was the first time I had never had a class with him. Small town, no friends. We got Everquest and I stayed up all night one night playing my High Elven Enchanter. I got a girlfriend in seventh grade. I played on the Tennis team. I went to my first dance. I was first chair alto sax, even though there were only three or four of us.

Texas. Eighth grade. Loneliness. I read. Alot. I played Bari. I developed my own special brand of magic. I started investigating Witchcraft for three years, until I became it. I put myself at ease that I was gay, but tried to be bi in ninth grade for my mom. Highschool. I was having dreams for up to a year before I actually went. I had uncountable deja vu's in ninth grade. I went to San Antonio three times, and Washington D.C. once. That summer I went to Germany with just Daniel, and our grandparents took us to Italy. Tenth grade started, and I became a big band nerd. But that january I tried out for my first play. And I loved it.

As Summer draws near I can't help but think about this past school year. Alot of things happened. Theatre happened to me. I got a good job. I ran from a hurricane, and stayed on Elm Street. I made out for the first time. I'm at peace with a higher power. I got my licence. I struggled in school. I went to the Caymans.

This year needs to end though. It needs to be put to rest. I need some rest from the drama. From the stress. From the school work. From the mistakes. I'm gonna take a bath tonight, since I didn't last night. Goodnight all.

Weekend Update.

Friday: I can't remember... hold on. Alright.

Friday: Practice, German Banquet. That was something. It kind of sucked. TAKs. That's all I need to say, heh. Hung out with Kayla. Met up with Ryan and Michi. I think Ryan wanted me to hit it off with some bi guy named Neil, but I honestly don't want a bi guy, and I wasn't feeling very hot that night. Michi did say I looked better then Ryan though, which was a great compliment. Thank you Michi.

Saturday: Woke up at 6:30 to go cover Nicole's classes at the Y. Got sunburnt. Ate lunch with Yma at Pei Wei's. We had fun. Then I had to do my own shift. I stayed in that night.

Sunday: Slept in till 10. Worked from 12-2, grabbed lunch with Nicole at Jack in the Crack. It was a fancy one, over by Langham. Interesting. Hung out at home, attempted to clean my room and do my homework. Had a staff meeting at 7:30. Then stayed in. My parents wouldn't let me go to Starbuck, which is just as well. I need to save money.

As I was walking Lu, there was a brief moment of silence in between tracks on my IPod. In this silence, I heard ducks quacking, frogs roaring, and bugs buzzing. And I swear, it was music. So I paused my IPod. And I danced. I danced to this awesome club mix by ditch dwellers. It was great. I was in a great mood all night.