Sometimes I wish I was dead.

I sometimes wish I was dead, and not because I'm depressed. I'm not depressed. I'm not depressed.
Sometimes I wish I was dead, if only so I could see if there was anything else to this existence. So I could see what's next. It's so hard. It's so hard finding your purpose. I have No Purpose. It's a disease. No Purpose.

I miss high school. I miss the structured environment. I miss skipping class. I miss theatre. I miss lunch plans. I have to get to college. I have to get to that structured enviroment again.

This morning I was watching a squirrel play in the tree outside of my window. I hit a squirrel on the way home from school. Then later, as my mom yelled at me for something unrelated, I saw two squirrels playing outside of the window.

WHAT AM I DOING HERE?
WHY?
WHY AM I HERE?
WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?
SHIT.

Miss. M insists that I have a purpose. She said, "I will bet my life that you have a purpose in this world." Yeah? I feel like my purpose is so important at times, and then at other times I feel like I'm nobody. Who am I to think that my purpose is so important? Who am I?
I'm Chris Bernal. Christopher Bernal. Christopher Anthony Bernal. German. Gay. Male. Artist. Writer. Poet. Actor. Singer. Philosopher. Wizard.
But what does that matter?
Honestly?
I don't know.

2012. 2012. 2012. Neon signs. Flashing. 2012. 2012. 2012. Queztlcoatyl. The feathered snake.

"December 21 — The Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, notably used by the Maya civilization among others of pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, completes its thirteenth b'ak'tun cycle since the calendar's mythical starting point (equivalent to 3114 BC August 11 in the proleptic Gregorian calendar). The Long Count b'ak'tun date of this starting point (13.0.0.0.0) is repeated, for the first time in a span of approximately 5,125 solar years. The significance of this period-ending to the pre-Columbian Maya themselves is unclear, and there is an incomplete inscription that records this date. It is also to be found carved on the walls of the Temple of Inscriptions in Palenque where it functions as a base date from which other dates are computed. However, it is conjectured that this may represent in the Maya belief system a transition from the current Creation world into the next. The December solstice for 2012 also occurs on this day. Astronomically, the Earth is said to be aligned facing the center of the Milky Way behind the Sun on this date."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012

"Astronomically, the Earth is said to be aligned facing the center of the Milky Way behind the Sun on this date."
"Astronomically, the Earth is said to be aligned facing the center of the Milky Way behind the Sun on this date."
"Astronomically, the Earth is said to be aligned facing the center of the Milky Way behind the Sun on this date."

I'm scared.

Lost.

It's so hard to maintain. This facade of mine.

How emo is that? I'm not that emo. I dyed my hair black. So? I'm not depressed. I'm not depressed.

"Cause you are not alone.
I'm always there with you,
and we'll get lost together,
till the light comes pouring through.
Cause when you feel like you're done,
and the darkness has won.
Babe, you're not lost.
When your world's crashing down,
and you cannot bear the cross.
I said, baby, you're not lost."

I'm not lost. I have a purpose in life. My purpose is.

I don't know what my purpose is. But hey. I'm only 18. Right?

The human is weird.

My whole body is mentally cringing at the thought of going to work tonight.

It's not that I'm still tired, the nine hours of sleep I got last night fixed that. I just don't want to get that tired again. I'm scared. It's completely mental, my brain doesn't like pain. I'm a painaphobe. Speaking of mental things:

I like guys. It's weird. Here's an experiment. Look at a girl. How do you feel? Look at a guy. How do you feel? When I look at a girl I feel nothing. But guys? It doesn't matter who they are, I automatically judge them. Am I attracted to them? Are they attractive? Cute? Hot? Sexy? Handsome? Four categories that are very important.
But here's the thing. I'm not supposed to be attracted to guys. I know! Crazy, right? Men are supposed to like Women. Basic Biology.

Maybe the fact that I almost puked this morning is making me weird. I've never puked from sheer anxiety before. I'm sure that it builds character though.

P.S. I don't feel any better.

Woah.

Okay, there is this guy who's doing something weird. He just dropped a note on the student activities manger's desk. And he was scared or something, because him and his friend were talking about it loudly. It was really weird, and I have this sudden urge to go read the note real quick. What could it say? "Will you marry me?" "I quit." "Your mom is dead." It could say alot of things. I won't go in. It's too risky, and I'm not sure I care that much. Just because a guy is cute, doesn't mean I need to be stalker-ish. I'm laughing at myself.

My english teacher is a moron. I really don't know what goes through her head. Of course, I'm kind of moronic. A 20 page journal was due today and I didn't know. So of course I didn't turn it in. Ugh.

I am so tired. Why is our starbucks the only one staying open til twelve for the holidays? I feel like I didn't sleep at all. I just had hallucinations of sleeping, and weird weird dreams about stocking cups.

It's way to cold outside to play tennis. Fuck.

Holy crap. The student activities manager just walked into her office. She read the note, and picked up the phone. I wonder what's going to happen.

A steady path to fulfillment.

"November 24-26:
a steady path to fulfillment

The noisy Gemini Full Moon, wild Uranus turning direct, and a hazy Mercury-Neptune square on November 24 make for a very complex day. Resist the impuls to leap into action, which can put you in an even more perilous position. You radiate confidence and increase your likelihood of success with a surefooted approach rahter than a leap into the unknown. Breathe deeply to gather yourself, because precise aim is required to hit your target. A forgiving trine between Venus and Neptune on November 26 brings joy with little effort on your part. Life can be sweet, even without a lover or a bankroll, as pleasure unfolds for you naturally now."

I am on a steady path to fulfillment.

Let's discuss.

Robert told me on Friday that I was supposed to come into work at 5:45 PM Saturday. I come, and I'm not scheduled until 8 o'clock. So I head to Barnes and Noble. I read a New X-Men comic, and then skimmed through a book about 2012. I learned that in 2008 there is supposed to be a socioeconomic failure. Or something of that kin.
Work was great. The first two days I worked I would leave with a sense of dissatisfaction. I wasn't learning fast enough. But today I jumped right in. I even got to wear the spare apron, although I had to return it when we closed. I cleaned and restocked, than took a ten minute break as Jennifer told me to. After my ten, she taught me how to put orders into the register, and I took peoples money when they bought drinks. Apparently I did well, and I didn't feel bad about it at all. Of course, Claudia watched over me, and helped alot. I washed dishes. I like it. Heinlein's character in "Job" likes to wash dishes too, and it made me think of him. Great book. I did that until close, whereupon we stacked chairs outside and smoked. Then I cleaned the lobby[STOP MOVING CHAIRS AROUND], and mopped. I like mopping too. I mopped the back room, than sat down with my black ice tea and two doughnuts while we waited for Claudia's ride. They're all funny, and we like each other.

Anyway, it was really great. Thank goodness I get to sleep in tomorrow. Yay.

An ode.

An Ode to my Comp. and Rhetoric II Classmate.
You are in my english class.
I can tell that neither of us like it.
Even so, we're both sure to pass.
Our teacher is kind of stupid.

If you're interested, let me know.
I'm definitely interested in you.
Drop a line, or say hello.
Let's make a connection that's new.

Not one of my better ones. I'm out of practice.

Seasons of Love.

I saw Rent yesterday, and while it wasn't as great as I had hoped it would be, it was still pretty good. In all honesty I didn't like the guys who played Roger and Collins. Collins was an American Idol finalist, and Roger was a South African idol. They both sounded great, of course, but their acting wasn't the best. I loved Mark and Mimi. "Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow to blow of Auntie Em." That was really cute. And even before Collins opened his mouth in I'll Cover You [Reprise], two crocodile tears fell down. It felt good. It was a nice release from living under the bell jar these past few days.

Rent has two definitions that are important to me. The first is the fee you pay to live somewhere. The second says that rent means torn apart. And that's how their lives kind of are when we first enter the show. Rent. Then Angel comes, and she heals it. They all come together and are friends again. So of course, when she dies they fight. And it takes the near death of another to bring them back again.

There were somethings I didn't like about the performance, but there were alot more that I did like. I'm really glad I saw it though.